The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

  That got me thinking… how we can get ourselves stressed out on purpose in order to lose weight? From extensive research (and no, I can’t provide documentary proof) I’ve compiled the list below that shows what calories UKIP supporters can hope to lose in a number of different situations likely to lead to high anxiety.

  STRESSFUL SITUATION A UKIP SUPPORTER MIGHT FIND THEMSELVES IN CALORIES BURNED

  Shouting at the TV or radio 22

  Throwing something at the TV or radio 28

  Writing letters of complaint about political bias to Newsnight 35

  Watching Alan Carr on TV 17

  Listening to rap music 34

  Listening to any form of ethnic music like bouzouki, steel drums or pan pipes 32

  Having to change money into euros before you go on holiday 23

  Mentally converting euros to sterling when you’re on holiday 29

  Watching a foreign art house movie with subtitles 38

  Seeing a photo of Angela Merkel 39

  Just thinking about Jean-Claude Juncker 86

  Having someone yodel within earshot 11

  Watching An Inconvenient Truth 16

  Having to consider the other side of a rational argument 29

  Being stuck behind a meandering procession of spotty foreign students with backpacks the size of Andorra 37

  Being unable to overtake a bunch of wobbling lycra-clad idiot cyclists who change their speed with even more unpredictability than the Chaos Theory 62

  Having to work out a time that’s been stated in the 24-hour clock 21

  Looking at a banana and thinking about whether or not it meets EU regulations about curvature 8

  Being stopped in the street and asked to donate money for some foreign famine/natural disaster/ civil war, etc., etc. 22

  Trying to make yourself understood to a bloke in a Mumbai call centre who tells you his name is Gary 34

  Driving past a wind farm 13

  Receiving an invitation to a same-sex wedding 29

  Attending a same-sex wedding 72

  Attending a same-sex wedding as the best man/woman 110

  Being late for a gig by a progressive rock band or Phil Collins 31

  Finding the newsagent has run out of copies of the Daily Express 94

  Great Britons No. 3 Sir Francis Drake

  Sir Francis Drake was a thoroughly decent bloke. I think of him as a sort of Elizabethan Leslie Philips, though I don’t think there are any contemporary records of him saying, ‘Ding Dong.’ Anyway, the English loved him and the Spanish hated him… what better reputation can a man have?

  Their King Philip II offered a reward of 20,000 ducats for Drake’s head, a currency that was the forerunner of the euro and therefore worth about £32.50, so no one could be arsed to risk their life and capture him.

  Early in his career Drake sailed to the Americas and also made two voyages to the West Indies. Not much is known about these trips but they probably involved cricket. That or slavery. Anyway, in 1577 Queen Elizabeth I sent Drake off to fight the Spanish on the Pacific coast of the Americas; it was a journey that took him and his flagship, the Golden Hind, all the way round the world. On the way he captured loads of Spanish treasure ships and, doing the decent thing, once he’d offloaded their gold he’d send their crew on their way with a letter of safe conduct. What a gent! He arrived triumphantly back in Plymouth in 1580 with a ship filled with gold, jewels and spices, heralded as the first Englishman to circumnavigate the world. He was knighted the following year, with Elizabeth getting a French diplomat to perform the ceremony for this British hero. Good call, queenie! Talk about rubbing Frenchie’s nose in it!

  Drake did lots of other heroic stuff after that, mainly involving attacking Spanish naval and merchant ships. God, he must have really hated those dagos. This obviously really pissed off King Philip II, who planned an invasion of England in 1588, sending his Armada up the English Channel. Like all Englishmen Drake was cool, calm and collected and he finished a game of bowls (or it might have been cricket, reports are sketchy) before he successfully attacked the fleet, causing them to break formation and show their true colours (the wide yellow band in the Spanish flag represents their cowardice).

  After this victory he fought against the Spanish in South America but sadly, in 1596, he died from dysentery off Panama. He was just 55. Some people think that he might have survived if he’d had quicker treatment from the cash-strapped NHS. The fact UKIP wants to protect frontline health services from cuts means his death won’t have been in vain.

  Life in Brussels: A View from an Insider

  Since I spend a lot of my time at the European Parliament fighting for the rights of honest hard-working British citizens, I think I can speak with some authority about Brussels. Capital cities are meant to be exciting, dynamic and vibrant: a showcase of a nation’s history and its contribution to the fields of art and culture. Given Belgium’s reputation as a place to go through rather than to, it shouldn’t surprise you then to learn that Brussels is best known as being the unofficial capital of the EU, the world’s biggest, most tiresome, faceless and loathsome bureaucracy.

  When I’m not opposing the encroachment of the European Union into British public life I relax by taking a stroll round the city, sampling Belgian bars and Belgian beers and taking in some of the sights. This is just another way I’m working for my constituents; I’ve visited these godforsaken places so they won’t have to…

  Local Attractions to Avoid

  The Manneken Pis fountain

  London has its 170-foot Nelson’s Column, New York has its 150-foot Statue of Liberty, Rio de Janeiro has its 98-foot tall Christ the Redeemer. Even Baghdad had that 40-foot statue of Saddam Hussein before it was pulled over. The most famous statue in Brussels is that two-foot bronze sculpture of a boy urinating.

  It represents what most visitors feel about this dismal city.

  The Parliamentarium

  The European Parliament calls this a visitors’ centre. If you change the word ‘visitors’ for ‘propaganda’ then you’d be more accurate. As such it was designed to educate children and adults ‘about the institution that represents them’. Again, if you change the word ‘educate’ for ‘brainwash’, then you’d have a better idea of what goes on here. However, despite having an obscenely high EU-funded promotional budget, the Parliamentarium fails dismally at being anywhere near interesting. The best come-ons it can offer (and I’m quoting the actual attraction here) are: ‘The history of European integration using 150 iconic images and historic documents’, a video titled ‘United in Diversity’, and an ‘innovative and entertaining role-play game to see what it’s like to be an MEP’. Look, I am one and, to be frank, it’s not that exciting.

  Although admission to the Parliamentarium is free, you’ll still feel short-changed.

  Atomium

  This structure of nine large interconnected chrome balls is often seen in the background of 1960s and 1970s budget sci-fi films to give an impression of some future Utopia. The Belgians are not known for their sense of irony but should be applauded in this instance. But don’t be fooled; these aren’t just any nine large interconnected chrome balls; they represent a unit cell of an iron crystal magnified 165 million times. If you want to pay to venture inside this relic from the 1958 World’s Fair you’ll see various exhibits, but absolutely nothing that will hold your interest. Reactions to this landmark from visitors vary from ‘exceedingly disappointing’ to ‘Why?’

  Mini-Europe

  If there’s one thing worse than the concept of a united Europe, it’s the concept of a united Europe on a miniature scale. And this is it. If you thought model villages were a quaint concept that went out of fashion in the 1950s, you were wrong. Situated next to the Atomium, the Mini-Europe attraction promotes itself as ‘the only park where you can have a whistle-stop tour around Europe in a few short hours’. ‘A few short hours?’ Believe me, no time spent here, even if it’s even a cursory glance, will seem ‘short’. 350 bu
ildings in 80 cities are represented but in a blatant case of marginalisation, you won’t be at all surprised to know that Belgium and the Netherlands each have 10 exhibits while France and Germany feature eight. The UK has only six, just one more than Portugal… and who can name one famous Portuguese building?

  Not surprisingly, at the end of the visit you’re subjected to another turgid piece of EU propaganda, the Spirit of Europe, ‘an interactive overview of the European Union in the form of multimedia games’. NB The phrase ‘multimedia games’ implies some sort of fun. Don’t be misled.

  Tintin murals

  Great Britain gave the world Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Wordsworth, Tennyson, Hardy, Blake, the Brontës, Tolkien, Austen, Keats, Coleridge, Eliot, Carroll, Wilde, Du Maurier, Orwell and Rowling. Belgium’s contribution to literature is Hergé, creator of Tintin. Walking around Brussels you’ll see numerous large-scale murals on the sides of buildings depicting scenes from his adventures. If you’ve never read Tintin, count yourself lucky. The books are as dull and long-winded as Brussels’ bureaucracy.

  Museums, various

  Museums can often be a window into the soul of a country, let alone somewhere to get out of the rain. Like much of the rest of the city, Brussels’ museums are equally lacklustre and uninspiring, with whole buildings dedicated to celebrating the history of the Belgian police force, the National Bank, Art Deco ceramic clocks and also lace (yes really).

  Useful Phrases to Use When You’re in Brussels

  Belgium has three official languages – Dutch, French and German – which means there’s three times the likelihood of not being understood. Although 60 per cent of the population speak Dutch, French is the preferred language. This means that visitors have to remember crucial differences. For instance, a sandwich is masculine, despite having no penis.

  I’d like to book an earlier return flight. Your capital city has sucked all the happiness out of me.

  Je aimerais réserver un vol de retour plus tôt. Votre capitale a sucé tout le bonheur hors de moi.

  Please stop bothering me. I’m trying to have a quiet drink and don’t want to discuss the Treaty of Lisbon or the Central Bank.

  Se il vous plaît arrêter de me déranger. Je essaie de prendre un verre tranquillement et je ne veux pas discuter du traité de Lisbonne ou la Banque centrale.

  I apologise for laughing, but how can I take you seriously when your country’s major contribution to modern culture is The Smurfs?

  Je me excuse pour rire, mais comment puis-je vous prends au sérieux quand contribution majeure de votre pays à la culture moderne est Les Schtroumpfs?

  4 REASONS YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN BELGIUM

  1 Everyone loves beer.

  ‘A Belgian goes into a bar’ is not a joke. It’s a continual occurrence.

  2 Locals confuse ‘picturesque’ with ‘lacklustre’.

  Similarly, they confuse the phrase ‘hidden gem’ with ‘nothing to do here’.

  3 You’re perpetually wet. And when you’re not wet, you’re damp.

  Belgium enjoys an average of 200 days of rain per year which means it’s either raining, about to rain, or has just finished raining.

  4 You’ll get French fries served with absolutely everything

  The Belgians claim they invented French fries and take every opportunity to ram this fact – and the food – down your throat. There’s even a whole museum dedicated to French fries in Bruges. And I’m not joking.

  My Favourite Light Bulb Jokes

  Given our calibre of candidates and type of grass roots supporters I can’t understand why most of the time people are laughing at UKIP. In this instance, however, it’s a chance to laugh with us:

  Q: How many Somalians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Four. One to change it and three to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

  Q: How many schizophrenics does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Well, he thinks it’s four but as we all know, it’s only him.

  Q: How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Two: one to do it, and one to send an email saying that you’ve inherited $12 million in the will of an obscure relative – and could you send details of your passport and driving license in order to be eligible for your payout?

  Q: How many inner city kids does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Five: two to rob the off licence to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

  Q: How many Tory MPs does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Two: one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a strange sexual act involving a plastic bag and a ripe citrus fruit.

  Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Five: one to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it; one to accuse its owners of mistreating it; one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next six months; one to refuse the previous owner access to their old bulb; and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the light bulb’s best interests at heart.

  Q: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: 25,001. One to give the order that the bulb should be changed and 25,000 to say they were just following orders.

  Q: How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Three.

  Q: How many members of Amnesty International does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Two. One to change it, and one to stand on the street corner handing out leaflets looking earnest, and telling people how oppressed the socket is.

  Q: How many gay men does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Three: one to change the bulb, and two to shriek, ‘Fabulous!’

  Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to change a light bulb in San Francisco?

  A: Both of them.

  Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Four: one to do it and three to make a video documentary about it for Channel 4.

  Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

  A. Three. Why three? IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Q: How many travellers does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: One, but when they’ve gone you’ll find all the other light bulbs in your house are missing.

  Q: How many bleeding heart liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: None. ‘Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality.’

  Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Ten: one to change it, and nine to form a support group.

  Q: How many members of an ethnic minority does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: None – but a hundred will march on the power company supported by their union and demand that it hires some ethnic minorities to do it.

  Q: How many hard-working Bulgarians does it take to change a light bulb?

  A: Both of them.

  Are You Manly Enough for UKIP?

  Look, I’m as broadminded as the next man but the sort of men UKIP wants as its supporters are real men. You know the type.

  The fact you’re reading this book probably means you are one. I know I am, and so are my mates in the pub.

  I’m talking about the sort of man who doesn’t care that much about his appearance and who laughs more at jokes about women drivers and mothers-in-law than internet dating or online shopping. Now I know we can’t turn back the clock to a time before sexual equality and drink driving laws, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t look back fondly to a time when men were men… and women were fillies, birds or crumpets.

  So, if your bar talk is more about moisturisers and Dancing on Ice rather than the Premier League
or re-runs of The Professionals then you might not be the right sort of man we want associated with our party.

  If you know what I mean.

  Are You a UKIP Real Man?

  Take this self-assessment test:

  1 Complete this statement: ‘I wish I had…’

  A. Brad Pitt’s wife

  B. Brad Pitt’s money

  C. Brad Pitt

  2 How much did you pay for your last haircut?

  A. Nothing. Did it myself

  B. £6 to £25

  C. What, including my highlights?

  3 How many musicals have you seen in the last twelve months?

  A. None. But I’m waiting for the stage version of Expendables III

  B. One. But it was The Book of Mormon and I only saw it because I wanted to take the piss out of another religion

  C. More than one

  4 Which of these headlines would most catch your eye?

  A. TOWIE Stars in Hot Lesbian Fling!