The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

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  Nigel Farage or UKIP. Duh!

  Contents

  Title Page

  Introduction

  Is UKIP the Party For You?

  My Leadership Style

  At the Movies

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About France

  Breastfeeding in Public

  My Views On… Voluntary Service Overseas

  Freedom of Choice #1 Smoking

  My Views On… Fairtrade

  Great Britons No. 1 William Shakespeare

  Charity Begins at Home

  The UKIP Anthem

  Why Don’t the Chattering Classes Just Shut Their Gobs?

  A Convenient Lie: The Truth About Global Warming

  Citizenship Test

  10 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Eastern Europe

  My Views On… Corporal Punishment in School

  My Guide to Countries That Don’t Count

  Cricket: God’s Own Game

  European Cuisine

  UKIP and Dating

  Freedom of Choice #2 Fox Hunting

  Great Britons No. 2 Robert Falcon Scott

  My Views On… Asylum Seekers

  40 Reasons Why People Are Voting for UKIP

  English – Why It’s the Best Language in the Whole World

  The 7 Most Overrated Foreign Tourist Attractions

  Garlic: Nature’s Atrocity

  The Eurovision Song Contest – Why It Should Have Nil Points

  UKIP Fairy Tales No. 1 Cleggio

  German Humour: It’s No Laughing Matter

  Greece: How the Mighty Has Fallen

  Lies, Damn Lies and the EU

  Exercise the UKIP Way

  Great Britons No. 3 Sir Francis Drake

  Life in Brussels: A View from an Insider

  My Favourite Light Bulb Jokes

  Are You Manly Enough for UKIP?

  How Can Good Manners Be So Foreign?

  UKIP and the Media

  The Metric System: Satan’s Measurements

  Why French Fags Bring Smoking into Disrepute

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Germany

  Great Britons No. 4 Sir Winston Churchill

  Europe – 5 Misconceptions and 1 Truth

  Whatever Happened to Tunes You Could Whistle?

  My Views On… Modern Art

  Nursery Rhymes That Tell It How It Is

  I’m Not the Only One… Who Thinks Our EU Neighbours Are Some of the Most Godforsaken Places on Earth

  Lie Back and Think of England – The UKIP Guide to Sex

  UKIP Fairy Tales No. 2 Snow White

  Spoken Like a True Patriot

  My Views On… The British Empire

  Wind Farms: Don’t Believe the Spin

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Italy

  Great Britons No. 5 Phil Collins

  The Pub Quiz

  My Views On… The Homeless

  British Enlightenment: Zen Sayings for Modern Life

  Party Fundraising

  UKIP Fairy Tales No. 3 The Three Little Pigs

  My Views On… Vegetarians and Vegans

  Beethoven: Why He’s No Match for Phil Collins

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Spain

  Freedom of Choice #3 Third-World Child Labour

  My Views On… Women in the Military

  Nigel’s Puzzle Page

  My Views On… Working Mothers

  Copyright

  Introduction

  Welcome Dear Reader,

  I salute* you for buying this book (or graciously accepting it as a gift from a well-meaning friend).

  People come up to me and say, ‘Nigel, you’re a thoroughly decent bloke. Don’t you get hacked off because there are so many misconceptions about you and your party?’ Well the answer is, ‘Too bloody right!’, which is why I’m really glad this book will help set the record straight.

  The main fallacy is that we’re a one-policy party. That’s so not true! We have loads of great polices about the NHS, climate change, shale gas, the armed forces, foreign aid, tuition fees etc., but they don’t make for good press. I mean, if you’re an editor what headline are you going to run with – ‘Farage to end burdensome green levy’ or ‘Farage says foreigners smell’? And on the subject of foreigners, another misconception is that I hate immigrants. I don’t! Some of my best cleaners have been Polish, and we recently hired a bunch of dirt-cheap guys from Latvia to distribute some campaign leaflets (how ironic is that!).

  However it is true that our main enemy is The European Union; three words that carry the exact same appeal as ‘Starring Hugh Grant’, ‘Madonna’s new single’ and ‘Angela Merkel naked’. There are two main reasons why the UK should get the hell out. The first is the huge cost of membership (£55m per bloody day!) and the other is the erosion of British sovereignty and with it, a loss of British values. It’s things like queuing, nostalgia, niceness, drunkenness, self-loathing and obesity that have made this country what it is today.

  In fact I’d go as far as to say I’d rather embrace someone with Ebola before I embraced Europe. In fact, not only should you not embrace Europe, you should actually push it away from you, punch it in the stomach and, as it doubles up, kick it hard in the balls, then deliver a sharp chop to the back of its neck before pulling it down on to the ground and stamping on its greasy, foreign head.

  The last time Great Britain went into Europe with any degree of success was on 6 June 1944 and since then things have gone rapidly downhill faster than you can say ‘Veto’.

  Cheers!

  Nigel

  *A proper military salute, not a Third Reich type of salute, okay?

  Is UKIP the Party For You?

  You’ve heard of detailed psychometric tests to assess your personality? Well, this isn’t one of them.

  The man in the street doesn’t have time for all that mumbo-jumbo,* he just wants to get on with his life, do an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay and have time for a leisurely pint afterwards. So, taking this test to see if you’re compatible with UKIP’s ideals won’t take long.

  Is it scientific? Of course! It’s as scientific as the basis for our policies on climate change.

  Do you have to do it? Don’t worry, it’s not the law (which is surprising really, since the EU has passed 3,600 new laws since 2010).

  Is it easy to do? Definitely! It’s as easy as dismissing Danny Alexander’s grasp on basic economics.

  Just tick the boxes if you agree with the following statements and check your score afterwards.

  Do you get your worldview from hearsay, conjecture and the Mail Online?

  Is your first reaction to really heavy rainfall, ‘That’s God’s punishment for same-sex marriages’?

  Do you ever let prejudice, selfishness and fear cloud your judgement?

  Does hearing the following words or phrases make you feel uncomfortable and apprehensive: savoir-faire, zeitgeist, piazza, polski sklep?

  When you see subtitled speech on a foreign film do you immediately think, ‘I wonder what they’re really saying?’

  Does being ‘hot in bed’ usually involve an electric blanket?

  When someone mentions the European Court of Human Rights, do you automatically want to punch them in the face?

  Do you believe that all Romanians are vampires?

  Is your Sky+ box filled with repeats of Top Gear, Time Team and Dad’s Army?

  Do you paint St George’s Cross on your face even when England aren’t playing?

  Do you blame your poor sexual performance on your anxiety at not being able to live up to the reputations of the Fre
nch and Italians as better lovers?

  Do you think that political correctness is ridiculous and we should be allowed to call a spade a spade, and the long-term unemployed a parasitic underclass?

  Do you think that our foreign aid budget should be reduced to a level where it pays for just 2,000 sacks of rice and 400 bottles of fizzy water?

  When you hear the phrase ‘Alice in Wonderland’ do you immediately think of the 1865 novel written by English author Lewis Carroll rather than our economic policies?

  Do you place Theme Pubs in the same category as fanatical terrorism?

  RESULTS

  11-15

  Congratulations! You’re just what we’re looking for: someone who really feels uncomfortable with foreigners, minority groups and reason, and for whom a warm pint, a caravan holiday and fanatical jingoism sum up what’s truly great about our incredible nation.

  6-10

  Not bad. You demonstrate a reasonable level of intolerance but you need to spend a bit more time talking to taxi drivers, working-class blokes in your local or anyone who has a Union Jack tattoo on his neck to get a more complete appreciation of our policies.

  5 or less

  Sod off and join the Tories, the Lib. Dems. or Labour. Or if you have absolutely no self-esteem, the Greens.

  *Incidentally, don’t confuse ‘mumbo-jumbo’ with Bongo Bongo Land.

  My Leadership Style

  I’ve been accused of being lots of things.

  Misogynistic, racist, chauvinistic, intolerant, bigoted, a fascist, blinkered and a bullying dictator.

  I absolutely deplore these constant attacks on my character and will state once more for the record that I am not misogynistic, racist, chauvinistic, intolerant, bigoted, a fascist or blinkered.

  I do however admit that my leadership style can polarise people.

  There are party members who welcome it and there are some who don’t – and quite frankly, as far as I’m concerned, those people can just piss off and leave UKIP. Bloody whingers.

  A party like mine, I mean ours, needs a strong hand on the rudder.

  As a working MEP gearing up for a general election I have enough on my plate without having to deal with anyone questioning my decisions in public. In my book that’s worse than being disobedient: it’s being disloyal. I can deal with that easily enough by persuading the dissenters that maybe it’s time to grab their coats, say goodbye to the host (me) and leave this particular party.

  But what annoys me the most is when some of my so-called colleagues accuse me of running the party like Stalin. That’s absolutely bloody nonsense. I am so not like Stalin! Just look at the differences between us:

  JOSEPH STALIN ME

  Reputation Evil dictator Conviction politician

  Political position General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union MEP

  Number of deaths responsible for 23.9 million 0*

  Famines responsible for Ukrainian None. Although at a policy discussion meeting I once told Godfrey Bloom that he couldn’t have any more biscuits.

  Name of best known initiative The Great Purge Leaving the EU

  Nickname given to him by the press Father of Nations Fruitcake

  Portrayal by the press Beloved, wise, caring yet strong father figure, with the Soviet populace as his children. Charismatic fascist

  Songs written about him ‘Hymn to Stalin’ by A. V. Avidenko (1936) ‘UKIP Calypso’ by Mike Read (2014)

  Method of dealing with criticism Exile to the Gulag or execution Calling it ‘laughable nonsense’

  Number of blockades instigated against Berlin 1 0*

  Close friends with Mao Tse-tung and Kim il-Sung Mike Read

  *at time of going to press

  At the Movies

  Apart from smoking, drinking and more smoking and drinking, one of my favourite ways to unwind is by going to the cinema. I get so enraged though when I’ve parted with a king’s ransom for the ticket and eagerly sit back awaiting the start of the film, only to discover that it bears absolutely no resemblance to what I anticipated.

  I’m a firm believer that films should have titles that clearly tell you what they’re about.

  I mean, if you saw a poster for Dumb and Dumber you’d assume it was a biopic about David Cameron and Nick Clegg… but it actually isn’t. And how was I to know that The Full Monty was about male strippers, not an affectionate retrospective about Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery, one of this country’s best military leaders?

  I tell you, the money I’ve wasted on being conned like this is no one’s business – and to ensure you don’t fall into the same trap I’ve put this guide together, so people who think like me don’t get fooled again.

  My Guide to Movies with Confusing Titles

  Angela’s Ashes

  I got in a right row with the cinema manager over this one. I was really looking forward to seeing a film where the German Chancellor gets sealed alive in a coffin, which is then really slowly fed into a crematorium. Instead I got some drivel about an Irish family trying to escape the poverty of pre-war Limerick. Very disappointing!

  No Country for Old Men

  I’d been waiting for ages for a social documentary about the dire economic consequences of allowing elderly immigrants into the UK. This was not it.

  Unforgiven

  To my frustration this was not a film about Edward Heath selling out the United Kingdom’s sovereignty in 1973, but a story about a retired Wild West gunslinger.

  The Beach

  I was expecting an accurate portrayal of the Normandy landings. I didn’t get one. Okay, there was a beach but it was severely lacking in amphibious landing vehicles or Panzer IV tanks. And Leonardo DiCaprio did not look anything like General Dwight D. Eisenhower.

  The Bourne Supremacy

  I love this quaint Lincolnshire market town, which incidentally was the birthplace of Hereward the Wake, the brave resistance leader who led the rebellion against the Norman conquest of England, but this film was less travelogue and more CIA spy thriller. Not quite what I had in mind.

  Shane

  It was with huge anticipation that I waited for this documentary about probably the greatest Australian fast bowler. All I got though was a film about cowboys, settlers and a cattle owner. It was rubbish.

  Monty Python’s Life of Brian

  If I was annoyed with Shane then I almost blew a gasket after sitting through what I thought would be a film about the legendary cricket commentator Brian Johnston. I walked out before the end so I don’t actually know if he made an appearance or not (I don’t think he did).

  Das Boot

  It’s about a German submarine not sensible footwear. Don’t bother!

  The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

  Although a documentary ostensibly about girl groups doesn’t really appeal to me, I recommended it to my niece, thinking the title meant it was about the Bangles, Girls Aloud and Little Mix. She was very annoyed she’d wasted good money on a film about three bounty-hunting cowboys.

  Rain Man

  I got Dustin Hoffman. I expected Michael Fish.

  Liar Liar

  If you were expecting an informative documentary about the myth of man-made climate change you’ll be sorely frustrated. I know I was. This film’s actually about a lawyer who has to tell the truth for 24 hours (as if that would happen!).

  There’s Something About Mary

  I love English history and I’m a big fan of the Tudor period. Mary Queen of Scots is a character that has long fascinated me. However this film didn’t make any sense whatsoever. There was nothing about her time with the French Court or the murder of Lord Darnley – let alone her tragic beheading. There was a scene about hair gel but I couldn’t see the relevance of this at all.

  Titanic

  I keep asking myself: how many times can I be misled?! This was a film about the ill-fated ocean liner, and not an insightful documentary about the Greek debt crisis.

  Lethal Weapon />
  As a fan of WW2 militaria and in particular British armoured fighting vehicles, I was looking forward to a film about the Cruiser Tank Mk VIII, or the Cromwell, as it was known. In the end I got a buddy movie about two policemen.

  How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

  Less a story about Ed Miliband becoming leader of the Labour Party in 2010 and more a tale about a British writer struggling to fit in at a high-profile magazine in New York. Lots of backstabbing though, so I guess it wasn’t totally dissimilar.

  Coma

  I was convinced this film was going to be a satirical look at life in Luxembourg. I wasn’t prepared for a hospital-based conspiracy film. Scary (though not as scary as spending more than 24 hours in Luxembourg).

  Alien

  Instead of a film about an asylum seeker from North Africa I got a story about an evil stowaway that has to be destroyed at all costs. Close enough.

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About France

  France truly is a land of contrasts. Take Paris for example. Everything unpleasant about France is exacerbated in the capital; it’s difficult to think of inhabitants of a city who are more snobbish or condescending. Then there’s Marseilles which offers visitors everything they’d associate with a bustling cosmopolitan port: racial tension, street crime, low-level drug dealers, rife alcoholism, cheap prostitutes, gang fights and police on the take. As for Provence… well, with forests, olive groves, medieval hilltop villages, smelly food markets and artistic glassware you’ll be bored to tears after a few hours, let alone a whole year.