The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

  ‘Mass unemployment. Three million jobs depend on our continued membership,’ Cleggio stated.

  And just then, something very unusual happened.

  His nose began to grow.

  Cleggio continued. ‘Without membership of the EU and their cooperation hundreds of murderers and paedophiles could enter Britain.’

  His nose grew some more. It was now about four inches long.

  ‘Leaving would make many working people poorer, and no one would take the UK seriously on the world stage.’

  By now Cleggio’s nose was six inches long. The Blue Fairy couldn’t take her eyes off of it.

  ‘You certainly know your facts,’ she said. ‘But there is one more thing I need to ask you.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Cleggio.

  ‘Do you really believe you can win the argument to remain in the EU and that the Lib Dems will remain a credible force in British politics?’

  ‘Most definitely,’ said Cleggio smiling, as his nose passed cleanly through the bars of his cage and the tip almost touched the adjacent wall.

  The End.

  German Humour: It’s No Laughing Matter

  I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Bavaria, a region in south-east Germany renowned for oompah bands, beer halls, lederhosen, sausages and right wing leanings masquerading as a traditional way of life. It’s quite a jolly place really. Anyway, I was there recently on MEP business and ended up in a comedy club with some colleagues. Now ‘German humour’ is as much an oxymoron as Dutch cuisine, Estonian charm, Greek prudence or Polish glamour but I thought I’d sit it out with a few beers.

  Now I don’t believe in stereotyping a whole nation but it won’t come as any surprise to you when I say that the Germans understand humour as much as the Hungarians understand fashion. These are the five funniest jokes I heard that evening:

  Joke 1

  Why can’t you get aspirin in the jungle?

  Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

  Joke 2

  My dog has no nose.

  How does it smell?

  It’s okay. He has got one, really.

  Joke 3

  Knock, knock.

  Who’s there?

  It’s me. Sorry, I forgot my keys again.

  Joke 4

  An Englishman, an Italian, and a German walk into a bar.

  The German says to the bartender: ‘These are my friends, one is an Englishman and one is Italian. I am German.’

  Joke 5

  How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

  One.

  As I had to endure ninety minutes of this sub-Chuckle Brothers routine, I thought I’d get my own back with some genuinely funny British humour that I know the Germans would appreciate:

  Q: Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France?

  A: Germans like to march in the shade.

  Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 metres underground?

  A: Because deep down they are really nice.

  Q: What is the difference between Christianity and National Socialism?

  A: In Christianity, one guy died for all the others.

  Q: How do you get rid of aristocratic Germans?

  A: Von by von.

  Q: What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?

  A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

  Q: Have you heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?

  A: The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

  Q: What does a German politician have in common with a German porn star’s mouth?

  A: They’re both full of shit.

  Q: What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off the cliff?

  A: ‘Look mum! No Hans!’

  Q: What do you call a pissed-off German?

  A: A sauerkraut.

  Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

  A: First, invade ze kitchen.

  Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest?

  A: Me neither.

  Q: How did the current Pope get elected?

  A: He was the first one to put his towel on the balcony.

  Knock, Knock.

  Who’s there?

  Gestapo.

  Gestapo who?

  Ve vill ask zee questions!

  Greece: How the Mighty Has Fallen

  (And Another Nail in the Euro’s Coffin)

  Sure, it must have seemed like a really great idea in 2001 when Greece became the 12th country to adopt the euro. It was a time for celebration… one of the biggest steps in European integration that promised the Eurozone countries great prosperity. Except in this case they mistook the words ‘economic growth’ for ‘catastrophic financial collapse’.

  Ten years after it adopted the euro Greece received its first massive bailout… The writing was on the wall really; it’s no coincidence that the word ‘economic’ and the word ‘chaos’ are both derived from their language.

  So why did it all go wrong? Well this is book is called The World According to Nigel Farage, not ‘The Geo-Economic History of Europe According to Nigel Farage’, so I’ll keep it simple. All you need to know is that the main issues were low productivity (Greeks have an attitude to work that makes the concept of ‘mañana’ seem like a state of urgency), government borrowing that spiralled out of control faster than Zorba’s dance, interest rates higher that Demis Roussos’s voice and the same attitude to paying taxes as they have to paying retail.

  What will happen with the new left-wing led coalition government is anyone’s guess. What I know for sure though, is that today’s Greece is a country that’s a mere shadow of its former self. It’s ironic that a country that is considered to be the birthplace of western civilisation, which created fundamental new ideas in education, government, science, art, architecture and philosophy, has now almost been reduced to the status of ‘developing nation’.

  If Greece ever wrote its autobiography it would be called ‘How The Mighty Have Fallen’ or ‘That Was Then, This is Now’. Of course, Greece would never write its own autobiography. Not because the concept of an entire sovereign state writing something down is an unfeasible, abstract one, but because nowadays it can’t even afford biros or notepads.

  10 Signs That the Greek Economy Has Been in Meltdown

  There’s been a huge influx of foreign visitors

  Unfortunately for the economy these are not hoards of holidaymakers looking for sunshine, but financial journalists, political analysts and assorted nay-sayers arriving at Athens International Airport to report on the country’s interminable slide into financial oblivion.

  There’s a huge shortage of magic markers and thick felt pens

  Protesting locals have bought these up in their hundreds just so they can draw Hitler moustaches on placards of Angela Merkel.

  …and Prozac

  How else do you think the population can deal with day-to-day life?

  Signs outside shops that say, ‘We accept hummus’

  Many business owners have started looking for a currency with more long-term stability than the euro.

  An air of despondency and gloom that sticks to the streets like the smell of rancid feta cheese

  The general feeling of pessimism is not helped by news stories like a recent report on the world’s strongest economies. Greece came out at number 214; there are only 196 countries.

  It’s easy to get a restaurant table reservation

  Brutal austerity measures mean that the locals can’t afford to go out to eat (or indeed, eat).

  The concept of wealth has changed dramatically

  These days, conspicuous wealth is anyone flaunting a takeaway latte or possessing matching shoes.

  Driving in Athens is a pleasure

  The fact that there are few cars in Athens should not be seen as a progressive environmental measure but just that
locals can no longer afford to run cars (many experience extreme financial hardship just filling up the windscreen washer bottle.)

  The locals look reflective and studious

  Unlike their ancestors they’re not getting to grips with trigonometry and algebra; they’re calculating how they’re going to survive on a 30 per cent pay cut and no pension.

  …and they’re very philosophical

  These days though it’s less about Plato’s belief in the immortality of the soul, and more about wondering how they’re going to get through the rest of the week.

  Lies, Damn Lies and the EU

  ‘Countries joining the European Union are akin to middleaged couples with failing marriages meeting in a darkened hotel room in Brussels for a group grope.’

  – ANONYMOUS

  The European Union

  Think of it as one of the Sirens of Greek mythology; using its sweet song on member countries, seducing them with promises of prosperity and political stability, but instead luring them on to the rocks of financial calamity and brutal federalism.

  Starting with the Treaty of Rome and continuing through its various insidious incarnations, the EU has systematically eradicated member countries’ sovereignty in order to create a single entity – one where an unelected über civil service dictates and controls the lives of every European citizen. This is an ambition that goes by a number of names including a ‘Federal Europe’, the ‘United States of Europe’ or ‘Hitler’s wet dream’.

  In 1973 the UK joined the EU (then called the EEC) in order to ensure a free trade agreement with member states. In return it’s given up a significant part of its autonomy to a bullying, deceitful, evil, despotic bureaucracy.

  Faust made a better deal.

  FAQs About the EU

  I’ve heard that the EU engenders peace and harmony within member states

  That’s true if your idea of peace and harmony is represented by massive unrest and widespread violent protests from Lisbon to Nicosia due to high inflation, tax rises, job cuts, loss of pensions and meteoric rises in unemployment.

  I’ve also heard that EU officials are dynamic and progressive policy makers

  Look. Where are you getting your information from? Brussels bureaucrats redefine the words ‘faceless’ and ‘bland’. If they were an ice cream flavour they wouldn’t even be vanilla; instead they’d be the scoop festering at the bottom of the bowl of dirty, lukewarm water.

  Isn’t the EU just concerned with legislation that’s essential for the wellbeing of European citizens?

  Well on the one hand, the EU has passed laws that grant unwarranted human rights to convicted terrorists; on the other, it has issued detailed legislation that defines the acceptable curvature of bananas and cucumbers. Make up your own mind.

  Wasn’t the EU founded on the principles of open justice, fairness and equality?

  Put it this way, in the UK you’re considered innocent until proven guilty. This principle is abhorrent to EU lawmakers whose European Arrest Warrant means that you can be accused of a crime in one country and extradited without trial, purely on the basis of someone filling in forms correctly. As Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye, once famously said, ‘If that’s justice, then I’m a banana’ (although under EU law, not a very curved one).

  When it comes to the running of government, doesn’t a centralised EU Commission mean huge savings?

  It does, if by ‘huge savings’ you mean ‘colossal waste’. For starters, it spends over €5 million each year on chauffeured limousines to transport MEPs like me around Strasbourg or Brussels. Then there’s the 20 official recognised languages and 380 language permutations within the EU which means it spends more than €1 billion each year on translation and interpretation services.

  And that’s ‘squandering tax payers’ money’ in any language.

  I read that all EU funded projects are carefully vetted in order to provide the best value for European citizens

  You’re really reading the wrong sources aren’t you? Recent EU handouts included £660,000 to Brazil to fund a project concerned with the ‘social integration of women living in fishing villages’, £240,000 to Russia for an arts project in St Petersburg entitled ‘Listening to Architecture’, almost £50,000 to create a ‘European hip-hop laboratory’ in Lyon, France… and don’t forget £1.8 million spent on offices and a luxury hotel and apartment complex to house EU officials in that frantic hub of European political action: Barbados.

  But at the end of the day the EU is democratic, right?

  Mmmmmm. If you subscribe to the Pol Pot or Genghis Khan school of democracy then you’re absolutely correct. Members of the European Commission are not elected by the voting public yet they can introduce policies that individual national governments are legally bound to undertake even though they weren’t part of their own election manifesto. Even Kim Jong-un would feel uncomfortable wielding that degree of power.

  Don’t most people have a deep-rooted interest in European politics and want to actively engage with EU decision makers?

  In a word, ‘no’. In four words, ‘Don’t be bloody stupid.’ Can you name more than one MEP (apart from me)? Have you ever voted in a European election? Do you understand the significance of the Treaty of Paris, the Treaty of Rome or the Maastricht Treaty? Do you know the difference between the European Parliament, the European Council and the European Commission? Can you name the country that currently holds the EU presidency? Do you give a rat’s arse?

  Doesn’t a fixed exchange system, common monetary policy and price transparency make the euro a robust and appropriate currency?

  Go away.

  Exercise the UKIP Way

  Look, I am not saying at all that I necessarily agree with all of their policies, but the Nazis firmly believed that physical exercise greatly improved the morale and productivity of the workers – and I do too. People often say to me, ‘Nigel, as a busy MEP, how on earth do you find time to stay in shape?’ Well I get all the exercise I need by jumping to conclusions, running down the Coalition, side-stepping major issues and lifting pints. Of course, I jest! Actually, I keep fit by doing lots of walking around Brussels and Strasbourg… sometimes for hours on end, as there’s very little of any interest in these godforsaken cities to stop at or visit.

  What I don’t understand, though, is why people waste hundreds of pounds each year going to gyms. Back in my day, keeping fit was simple. You had medicine balls, chest expanders and pommel horses. You couldn’t go wrong with a medicine ball (unless you got hit in the balls, of course).

  Nowadays gyms are filled with pieces of equipment that no one really knows how to work and which look more at home in Guantanamo Bay than in a suburban health club. The other thing that’s changed is that a whole new language was invented to make people believe that keeping fit is dynamic and sexy. Exercise became ‘working out’, changing rooms became ‘locker rooms’, and jumping up and down became ‘aerobics’. What’s more, it’s now all about abs, sets, reps, quads, delts, crunches and lateral pull-downs… you need a dictionary just to get by.

  And what’s the point in exercising in front of a huge mirror? If I wanted to know how out of shape I was, I’d ask my wife.

  12 Reasons Why I Won’t Ever Belong to a Trendy Health Club

  They smell of sweat and desperation…

  …and have background music that makes it feel like you’re in a Bulgarian disco.

  You have to pay through the nose for this form of humiliation, and the bargain ‘off peak’ membership usually means you only have access between 10am and midday on a Monday.

  Communal changing rooms; if I wanted to see other men naked I’d change my sexual orientation and hang around bars called Spartacus, Ramrod or the Toolbox.

  Men who spend all their time in the free weights area are likely to be serial killers or sex pests.

  All the equipment is covered by an invisible veneer of sticky perspiration.

  The personal trainers look you up and down like you’
re an out-of-condition slob or a worthless piece of shit. Usually both.

  Seeing well-defined muscles in the changing room does nothing to improve your sense of low self-esteem.

  You can find yourself crouching down tying your shoelaces just inches from a naked man’s penis.

  Driving to the gym usually takes longer than working out.

  Most of the equipment has a control panel so complicated it wouldn’t look out of place on the bridge of a Klingon battle cruiser.

  Walking and running are free.

  Stress Your Way Thin

  It’s been scientifically proven that anxiety can cause weight loss. As a ‘Big Picture’ kind of guy I don’t understand the detail and to be honest, don’t really need to. It’s something to so with metabolic energy and fat oxidation. I think. Or it may not be. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that without doing any physical exercise, just bring stressed can help you burn calories. It might be a few here and a few there but by the end of the week it all adds up. I know that after a stressful week at the EU Parliament fighting against the erosion of UK’s sovereignty I can easily lose a few pounds.