The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

DB Decent bloke

  DysB Dysfunctional bloke

  FL Fun loving (if your idea of fun involves camping, canvassing or Sudoku)

  GSOH Good sense of humour (as long as you like Monty Python)

  OC Own caravan

  LWM Lives with mother

  GL Good looking (if your ideal man is out of shape with thinning hair and bad teeth)

  RAD Real ale drinker

  SS Social smoker (not to be confused with the SchutzStaffel, the Nazi paramilitary organisation; see OMF)

  FOTG Fan of Top Gear

  WB Well built (beer belly)

  OMF Open-minded female (someone who doesn’t think it’s odd that I like to dress up as member of the Waffen-SS in private and have people address me as ‘Obergruppenführer’)

  IIL Inexperienced in love (makes The 40-Year-Old Virgin look like Hugh Hefner)

  LTT Loves to travel (as long as we stay in the UK)

  RPP Racially pure preferred

  45 57

  55 64

  GOOD CHAT-UP LINES

  I want to do to you what David Cameron wants to do to the poor working class.

  I’ve got a five-year plan and it includes you. But it doesn’t have to be five years. One night works for me.

  Immigration numbers aren’t the only thing that’s rising.

  You’re hotter than global warming (which, incidentally, is a fallacy).

  You had me at ‘rigorous cuts in foreign aid’.

  I’m so depressed about the Public Sector Net Borrowing I really don’t think I should spend tonight alone.

  Let’s play NHS reform. Or as I call it, ‘doctors and nurses’.

  I want to drill you as if I’m looking for shale gas.

  Hello. I’m conducting a poll. What’s your name? What’s your phone number? Are you free next Saturday?

  Let me show you the size of my majority.

  You make me harder than the EU rules about harmonization of the gross national product.

  Wanna go back to my place and form a coalition?

  You’ve got your man-date.

  How would you like to feel my powerful pressure group?

  If taking you home tonight was like a referendum, I’d definitely vote ‘YES!’

  No, it’s not a rolled-up copy of our energy policy booklet in my pocket. I’m just pleased to see you.

  Going home without you tonight would be a contravention against my human rights (although I need to make it clear that we want to repeal the Human Rights Act).

  I’m a campaigner in the streets but a tiger between the sheets.

  You must be an Islamic suicide bomber because you look like you’ve come here straight from heaven.

  Hey darlin’, let’s play border control. You can be the door to foreign workers and I’ll slam you all night long.

  MAIL-ORDER BRIDES

  If you’re a UKIP member or supporter you’ll be very familiar with this topic. Half the people with a view on the subject of mail-order brides say finding a partner this way indicates you’re a desperate, unattractive failure with low self-esteem and virtually no social skills who just wants a subservient wife to make him feel better about his pathetic sad existence. The other half tends to agree. But whatever your situation, you should be fully aware of the pros and cons.

  Advantage of a mail-order bride

  This might be the only way you’ll find someone who actually wants to marry you.

  Disadvantage of a mail-order bride

  They’re foreign.

  Once you can come to terms with this, there is an upside; the women tend to come from impoverished backgrounds like the Ukraine, Belarus or Thailand so ‘splashing the cash’ around them usually only means waving about a fiver, an HMV gift card or some luncheon vouchers.

  WARNING

  Most mail-order brides are just after two things: a visa and your money. Watch out for these signs:

  5 clues that your mail-order bride is a gold digger

  You sometimes wonder what she sees in a short, overweight, balding man with his own house and caravan.

  She crumples your love poem into a ball and yells, ‘I wanted a pair of Jimmy Choos, not this shit!’

  Her pet name for you is ‘Sugar Daddy’ not ‘Hunny Bunny’.

  She violently disagrees with the adage that ‘money can’t buy you love’.

  She’s sucking you dry… and not in the good way.

  Freedom of Choice #2 Fox Hunting

  Look. I love animals as much as the next man but I also love freedom. That’s freedom from government intervention and freedom for toffs to chase foxes to within an inch of their lives. And then kill them.

  But I’m not saying I actively support fox hunting. In fact I’m very, very careful not to say that as I’m well aware that 80 per cent of the electorate still supports Blair’s 2004 ban. What I’m in favour of is local councils and communities using the democratic process, the backbone of this great country of ours, to ask their constituents what they want. It’s that simple. If those in favour of hunting win the vote, they can hunt; if they lose, they can’t – and no matter what the result is, I don’t show my hand.

  It’s a win-win-win situation!

  And although I’m not nailing my colours to the mast I would just point out that there are quite a few arguments in support of lifting the fox-hunting ban. Not that I’m agreeing with that of course.

  Tally Ho!

  Arguments in Support of Fox Hunting

  Hunting is an essential part of traditional rural life.

  Like an engrained mistrust of outsiders and political views that date back to the 1820s, who wants to see these go?

  Protesters don’t understand hunting

  Hunt protestors are usually ill-informed since they only turn up before a hunt or long after it’s over. This means they have no actual idea about what’s involved. How can they make a rational case against hunting if they haven’t actually seen blood-thirsty hounds ripping a fox to shreds before a huntsman holds its dripping carcass aloft so that the dogs can continue snapping at it?

  Hunting provides jobs

  Discounting those who have other full-time or part-time employment in the countryside, it’s estimated that overturning the hunting ban would provide an additional 180 jobs throughout the whole of the UK.

  Hunting is natural

  Man has always hunted: if not for animals, then for his keys. In addition, death is an unavoidable part of nature, and if they weren’t hunted and killed mercilessly, foxes would die of natural causes anyway.

  The fox doesn’t suffer

  After it’s flushed out and cornered, hounds can rip a fox to bloody shreds in about a minute. And if it’s still breathing after that, a few swift blows to the head with a shovel will soon put it out of its misery.

  It’s good for the hounds

  Every chase is fraught with danger for the dogs. From avoiding being hit by cars or trains, to injuring themselves in quarries, gravel pits or on barbed wire… the thrill of the hunt adds some excitement into what would otherwise be sedate, safe, comfortable lives in the country as beloved family pets.

  Foxes terrorise the countryside

  Foxes can roam the countryside in packs, with their ‘kill zones’ extending as far as 250 miles, attacking and maiming sheep and chickens – and sometimes humans too. Or is that wolves?

  Great Britons No. 2 Robert Falcon Scott

  What a bloke! Not just a Royal Navy officer and polar explorer, but from what I know about him, a gentleman too. Scott encapsulates all that’s great about Britain; a spirit for adventure, stoicism, bravery, determination and, ultimately, failure. But let’s not dwell on the failure for too long. He should be commended for leading the second team to the South Pole and was only beaten by Norwegian Roald Amundsen because Norway wasn’t (and isn’t) in the EU. If it had have been, then by the time Amundsen had filled out the required 256-page ‘Polar Exploration Licence’ and the accompanying 72-page ‘Husky Permit’, and then conducted a comprehensive r
isk assessment of his mission, then Scott would have been there and back before you could say, ‘frostbite’.

  It’s not a well-known fact but Scott was not just a brave explorer, he was also one of the earliest climate change sceptics. Like us, he doubted the rate at which the polar ice caps were melting and that mankind influenced climate change. If Scott were alive today then he’d probably be in UKIP, possibly even leading our campaign to repeal the 2008 Climate Change Act and to abandon its legally-binding targets for reducing emissions of greenhouse gases that costs the UK economy £18 billion a year.

  Anyway, he persuaded the Royal Geographic Society to back his first expedition on board the Discovery in 1901 and he came back in 1904 a national hero. The expedition was quite uneventful although halfway through, fellow explorer Ernest Shackleton left on a relief ship. The official line was that he’d had a breakdown but I think it was because they came to blows over damning evidence that carbon dioxide levels were not responsible for significant warming or weather effects.

  Despite Scott’s invaluable findings he was still a lone voice among the climate change dissenters and displaying true British resolve to find the truth he set off again in 1910, this time aboard the Terra Nova. It was an expedition that would ultimately cost the lives of Scott and his men in March 1912 when fierce blizzards trapped them until their supplies ran out. In another example of honour and selfless sacrifice that only the British can demonstrate, Scott’s colleague Captain Oates voluntarily left the tent in order to save rations for his colleagues. His last brave words as he stepped outside into a violent snowstorm were, ‘I may be some time.’

  Those words are as relevant today as they were a hundred years ago. It’s what Nick Clegg’s going to say after the election when asked, ‘So when will you get back into Government?’

  My Views On… Asylum Seekers

  Asylum seekers go by many names: boat people, illegal immigrants, sponging stowaways, lorry chassis-hanging freeloaders. But whatever you call them, under international law anyone has the right to apply for asylum in any country that signed the 1951 UN Refugee Convention – and stay there until the authorities have assessed their claim. And guess what. The UK signed it. In ink.

  Now I’m not against asylum seekers per se; in fact I can sympathise with everything they’ve gone through. I’ve been persecuted and ill-treated too – although in my case it’s by the media, not by secret state police or lawless militia – but the principle is exactly the same.

  What I get enraged about is asylum seekers coming over, waltzing right into this marvellous country of ours and getting benefits from day one without making any contribution of their own. Many of them claim they can’t work because they still suffer from post-traumatic shock after seeing their families slaughtered in some racial genocide or they’ve had limbs removed by machetes in tribal attacks. Well I say, ‘boo hoo’. Man up and deal with it.

  They should take a leaf out of the book of some of the most famous British refugees, the Pilgrim Fathers. Sure they were religiously persecuted but they didn’t get all uppity about it. They just sailed all the way across the Atlantic to North America to make a new home but more importantly, they did it legally; there was no trying to sneak in when no one was looking. And don’t talk to me about hardship. They were at sea for sixty-five days, not hiding in the back of some container from Calais to Dover for just a few hours.

  And when they eventually did arrive they had no one giving them handouts or a council house. They worked hard to build a new community and guess what, they didn’t form some sort of ghetto and keep themselves to themselves. They were happy to mix with the Red Indians and share things with them. The Indians gave them maize and the settlers gave them plague infected blankets. It all worked well.

  If you’re an asylum seeker and you’re reading this (which might be difficult as you probably don’t understand English or you may have lost your sight in a gas attack by the tyrannical regime you escaped from) there’s a lesson here. Be positive, give something back to the community but above all, stop griping. Yes I’m sure your three-day walk to freedom through a minefield was exhausting or the fact you were adrift in a boat for a week without food or water was gruelling but you’re not unique. Thousands have said the same thing. And yes, I’m sure you did get tortured but just remember, you got it for free. Lots of people here pay good money to get slapped or have electrodes attached to their genitals.

  Just ask anyone on the Tory back bench.

  40 Reasons Why People Are Voting for UKIP

  Look, at the end of the day I don’t really care if you support UKIP because you agree with our policies on exiting the EU, points-based immigration, decreasing foreign aid, increasing inward investment, scrapping HS2, improving the NHS, helping the elderly, or because you once ate some soft French cheese and it gave you the runs.

  When it comes down to it a vote’s a vote, so I’ll be happy if any of these reasons strike a chord with other members of the electorate…

  ‘The metric system makes my shoe size a 44 and that sounds like I have the same size feet as Ronald McDonald.’

  ‘Last Saturday night my local A&E was absolutely full of immigrants! After getting drunk and falling over, one gave me an X-ray and one bandaged my arm.’

  ‘I don’t know what Polski Sklep means and I’m scared.’

  ‘Jif was pressured by European countries to change its name. Now every time I ask the man in the corner shop if he has Cif, he punches me.’

  ‘I heard all Romanians are vampires.’

  ‘Because what this country needs are scapegoats.’

  ‘Nearly all of the major wars have involved foreigners. You can’t trust them.’

  ‘I want to experience what it was like to live in pre-war Germany.’

  ‘Because I went to the countryside last autumn and most of the leaves were brown.’

  ‘I heard that Slovenians are responsible for coastal erosion.’

  ‘Because I want to support the Ku Klux Klan but I live in Thanet, not Alabama.’

  ‘I went to Nando’s the other day and one in four chairs was facing Mecca.’

  ‘I nearly choked on a French Golden Delicious apple.’

  ‘I stepped on a Lego brick with my bare foot.’

  ‘The Romanian community has a high level of organised crime. I know; I’ve watched The Godfather three times.’

  ‘I never forgave the Tories for allowing Dime bars to become Daim. One day it’s confectionery. The next it’s German stormtroopers hammering on our doors to drag us off to death camps.’

  ‘I think my chippy is using Halal potatoes.’

  ‘I’ve got too much self-respect to vote for the BNP.’

  ‘I get all my eco-political insights from my mates down the pub.’

  ‘I had German measles when I was six.’

  ‘It’s far easier to blame someone else for my own inadequacies and failures.’

  ‘I tried to find a bag of Skittles at my newsagent last week but all I could see were loads of bars of dark chocolate.’

  ‘You can really trust a man who admires Russian presidents who are half-naked homophobic Cold War fetishists.’

  ‘I tried to yodel and strained my voice.’

  ‘Because human rights are so overrated.’

  ‘I wasted £9 going to see the remake of The Italian Job. It was terrible and, probably, so is their country.’

  ‘I want my MP to be someone edgy, who looks like he might suddenly say something really, really offensive about minority groups.’

  ‘Those Russian meerkats are taking all our jobs.’

  ‘I saw two men talking in Starbucks last Wednesday. I couldn’t hear them but I think they were planning their wedding.’

  ‘The spread of multiculturalism will mean my favourite heavy metal bands will be forced to play steel drums and didgeridoos.’

  ‘Because we allow foreigners to waltz in here and take all the low-paid menial jobs. If I actually wanted a low-paid menial job, I’d be
bloody furious.’

  ‘Nigel smokes and I smoke, so he must be a really good bloke.’

  ‘My Alfa Romeo got a puncture and I was late for work.’

  ‘Because the money that’s going on housing benefits for refugees could be funding the child allowance for my twelve children from five different husbands.’

  ‘I run an illegal dog-fighting ring, have a Union Jack flag covering the side of my bungalow and the word England tattooed down one calf.’

  ‘I really hate Björk, A-ha and Aqua – and they’re all foreign.’

  ‘Because I love having a smug sense of superiority over anyone who speaks with an accent.’

  ‘Because the EU will make us eat all the Grand National runners.’

  ‘I got really sunburned when I went to Benidorm.’