The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

  If the children went to school instead of working they’d only learn about things like social injustice and discrimination. Boring!

  And if they weren’t sewing garments they’d only be scavenging on landfill sites or working in poisonous smelting plants.

  Children in the UK have to be sixteen in order to work full-time. Children in Asia, India, Bangladesh, South America and Sub-Saharan Africa can become economically independent when they’re six.

  And unlike a lot of UK manufacturers, there’s plenty of scope for them to get paid overtime (18-hour days are quite common).

  If UK retailers had to pay workers a living wage they’d soon be out of business and the children would be out of work.

  Who are we to impose Western concepts like toilet breaks and rest periods on different cultures?

  Few workers have to take time off due to injury; the workplace accidents are such that they tend to die.

  Productivity is kept high since there’s no need for workers to waste time on health and safety training…

  …and no need for factory owners to spend time on ethical compliance audits.

  They prop up the indigenous padlock industry (there are an awful lot of fire escapes that need chaining up).

  My Views On… Women in the Military

  Just like the machine-gun toting Bosch at the Battle of the Somme, the Coalition has decimated our armed forces, cutting swathes through their ranks due to forced redundancies. We used to have a world-class army; one that could keep the peace, protect our freedom and fight the fuzzy-wuzzies. Cutbacks mean that now we have less of an armed force and more of a militia. It’s bloody shameful when you think that even Mexico has a much bigger army than us. Mexico! A country best known for fighting poverty and diarrhoea rather than foreign insurgents.

  You probably know that UKIP policy is to not just restore our armed forces’ strength but to ensure that they have the best mission-critical equipment, and that all veterans are well-looked after on their return. What I have an issue with, though, is the subject of women in the armed forces. Supporters say that modern warfare is less about physical strength and women are better suited intellectually to some roles but I still have strong reservations.

  The first is about combat readiness. I’m married so I know how long my wife takes to sort out her hair and make-up. It doesn’t bear thinking about how long women soldiers will take to apply khaki-coloured nail varnish, paint camouflage on their faces, or decide what boots go with their fatigues. Then there’s the issue of military secrecy. Women love to gossip and it’ll be hard for them to stop sending texts like, ‘Guess who’s getting ready to launch a surprise bombardment at 03.00. LOL! ;-)’

  And everyone knows how emotionally fragile women are. Most scream at the sight of a spider; they’ll positively wet their knickers when an IED detonates. They’re also not that mechanically minded. If their tank or armoured car breaks down their first instinct will be to call the AA or their husband, which is not very practical in the middle of a sustained mortar attack. Also, wars today rely far more on technology, and keyboards are often just as important as rifles. All it takes is for a long false-nail to mistype a map reference and the consequences could be disastrous.

  But the biggest worry is that the presence of women can cause heightened sexual tension among male soldiers. Whether it’s a traffic warden, a nurse or a schoolgirl, many men find a woman in uniform a huge turn-on and they’ll probably be distracted from their usual duties and compromise a successful military operation. I don’t know about you but I couldn’t take that risk.

  Nigel’s Puzzle Page

  Politics is a tough old game. After a showing my face at the European Parliament for a few hours a week I’m absobloodylutley worn out. To relax I like a pint and a puzzle. It’s a great combination to take your mind off the stresses of being an MEP. Here are a few brainteasers to help yourself de-stress.

  1. Ethnic Slur Search

  Hidden in the square on the following page are eight names that you’ll find me using (in private, of course) for some of our European neighbours. These names can be horizontal, vertical or diagonal and can read forwards or backwards.

  Dago Kraut Polack

  Frog Wop Fritz

  Spic Greaseball

  2. The Romanians and the Hotel Room Mix-Up

  Three recently-arrived Romanians check into a Dover hotel and pay £10 each for a room with the hand-out they’ve just received from the council. They pay the £30 to the manager and go to their room.

  The manager, an honest Englishman, suddenly remembers that the room rate is only £25 and gives £5 in pound coins to the bellboy to return to the immigrants.

  On the way to the room the bellboy realises that £5 would be difficult to share among three people so he pockets £2 and instead gives £1 back to each of the Romanians.

  That means each Romanian paid £10 and got £1 back.

  So they paid £9 each, totalling £27. The bellboy has the £2 he kept, totalling £29.

  Where is the missing £1?

  3. Foreign Aid Cock-Up

  Against the wishes of the British electorate the Coalition agreed to send £70 million of foreign aid to Sudan, money that added to the UK’s legacy of debt and which the Sudanese certainly did not deserve.

  The Foreign Office issued what they thought were two international bank transfers for £50 million, but in actual fact some dozy, unaccountable civil servant instead sent two transfers of £100 million.

  The Sudanese Finance Minister, who was equally inept, didn’t notice either. He sent back to the Foreign Office what he thought were three transfers of £10 million, but which were actually three transfers of £50 million.

  Who ended up better off than they should have been?

  4. Bureaucracy Maze

  You’re a small business selling digital products when you’re suddenly aware of the new EU cross-border VAT regulations on e-books, online courses and downloads that came into effect on 1 January 2015 – rules that were created by people with absolutely no understanding nor interest in how small businesses operate, nor the huge administrative burden the regulations now impose.

  See if you can successfully navigate your way through the new ruling.

  Answers

  To be honest I’m not sure. You know I’m not that good on detail. Work them out for yourself.

  My Views On… Working Mothers

  Whoever said that ‘A woman’s place is in the home’ was half-right. He should have added, ‘as long as she’s not getting 52 weeks Statutory Maternity Pay for sitting on her arse doing nothing’. Then that phrase would make more sense.

  Look, I’m not objecting to women getting up the duff per se, but what gives them the God-given right to have paid leave as well as the opportunity to waltz right back into their old jobs – selfishly stopping under-qualified school leavers from getting their first job? My critics say that women returning to the workplace benefit their employer. They are so wrong.

  Where shall I start? Well, firstly, working mums usually turn up with their baby before they’re meant to return to work, disrupting employees who feel duty bound to smile and coo even though they don’t really give a toss. Not only that, but this wanton flaunting of their baby can upset and cause distress to infertile women, in some cases causing them to take time off work due to depression, which further affects productivity.

  It gets worse when they actually return to work. Their framed baby photos distract the women while their milk-engorged breasts distract the men (and lesbians). Then there’s the extensive time off when their baby exhibits the first signs of colic, cradle cap or croup. Also, they might get a spontaneous attack of the Baby Blues, causing them to break down and wail uncontrollably in the middle of an important presentation. And if they’ve had a Caesarean, it means that someone else has to lift those six boxes of photocopier paper and put them away in the stationery cupboard, taking them away from their own duties. Finally, there’s a good chance that technology would
have moved on apace in their year off work, so they’ll have absolutely no idea how to use the latest version of Windows or whatever will have taken over from email.

  So, a message to any employers reading this book: if you want disruption, a drastic loss of productivity and someone practising pelvic floor exercises when they should be reconciling VAT receipts, then by all means, employ ladies of child-bearing age.

  I used to dismiss the peoples of Lesotho, Swaziland and Papua New Guinea as being primitive, savage and uneducated. That was until I found out those countries don’t offer paid maternity leave.

  Who’s uncivilised now?

  Copyright

  Published by John Blake Publishing Limited

  3 Bramber Court, 2 Bramber Road

  London W14 9PB

  www.johnblakepublishing.co.uk

  www.facebook.com/johnblakebooks

  twitter.com/jblakebooks

  This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those may be liable in law accordingly.

  ePub ISBN 978 1 78418 625 8

  Mobi ISBN 978 1 78418 626 5

  PDF ISBN 978 1 78418 627 2

  This edition published in 2015

  ISBN: 978 1 78418 599 2

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data:

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Design by www.envydesign.co.uk

  Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  © Text copyright Mark Leigh 2015

  Images used on pp.114–120 and p.247 © Shutterstock

  Illustrations by Andrew Pinder

  The right of Mark Leigh to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  Papers used by John Blake Publishing are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  Every attempt has been made to contact the relevant copyright-holders, but some were unobtainable. We would be grateful if the appropriate people could contact us.