The World According to Nigel Farage Read online

  It’s been said that the experience of smoking French ciggies is worse than the experience of actually getting cancer.

  I wrote this poem to warn of the dangers.

  The Frog in the Smog

  A poem inspired by Dr. Seuss*

  It was cold and dark and dank that day

  We’d just run out of games to play

  Dad was away; mum was out

  The boredom was making both of us pout

  Then all of sudden there was a loud rap

  And again on the door, an equally loud tap

  Bursting in came a striped-jerseyed frog

  He entered the house in a pungent grey smog

  He said, ‘Bonjour, mes amis’ to me and my brother

  And then he asked, ‘Where is your mother?’

  ‘She is not here. She is out shopping’

  ‘Bon! Bon!’ he replied, constantly hopping

  ‘We will have fun for the time she is out

  We shall have fun, of that there’s no doubt!’

  ‘Who are you?’ we asked, holding our noses

  ‘There’s a strange smell here; it’s definitely not roses

  That whiff, that pong, that very odd stench’

  ‘Ah that,’ he replied, ‘It’s because I am French

  I love to smoke. I love to puff

  Sixty a day is hardly enough

  The harsh, bitter fumes, I love them, monsieur!

  Gauloises, Gitanes, and also Disque Bleu’

  The smog it grew fast. The smog it grew thick

  That stinkiest smell made us both feel so sick

  It clung to the ceiling, it clung to the wall

  Before very long it had filled up the hall

  ‘To the lounge!’ the frog cried, and hopped in there too

  And as soon as he did, the smell followed through

  It wasn’t that long before all of the rooms

  Were thoroughly, smellily filled up with fumes

  Just then a hoot, a honk like no other

  Someone was home. That someone was mother

  What to do next? How to save face?

  How to explain the smoking frog in this place?

  We had to conceal him before mother caught on

  But when we turned round, that frog, he had gone

  Mother came in. Her face was like thunder

  ‘I know what that smell is. I don’t have to wonder!

  You’ve both been smoking right behind my back’

  And for that she delivered a most terrible whack

  So the moral of this story is obviously clear

  If you see a frog with a fag, don’t let him come near

  He’ll stink up your house and cause you to choke

  In no time at all, you’ll probably croak

  Don’t let him come in. Don’t take the chance

  Slam the door and just say, ‘Piss off to France!’

  *Who wasn’t a real doctor and anyway, if he was, he’d have taken early retirement because he’d be completely disillusioned by the way the NHS was being run by the Coalition, spending all his time form-filling and budgeting rather than caring for patients. I’m just saying.

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Germany

  Hun, Fritz, Jerry, Kraut, Boche, Squarehead, Herman, Sausage Eater, Rhine Monkey… The Germans have one of the highest numbers of derogatory nicknames in the world – even beating the French (and that’s quite an achievement).

  Why then is there so much hostility towards the country? Well apart from starting two world wars and then becoming the economic powerhouse of Europe, Germany is mainly disliked due to two factors that directly affect visitors.

  The first reason is the food. It’s truly so bad that even Hitler was a vegetarian. The second is the language, which has been described as being extravagantly ugly; even a simple sentence sounds like someone using an in-flight sick bag.

  And on the subject of language, only the Germans could have invented the concept of schadenfreude, the pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

  And by ‘others’, it’s anyone visiting Germany.

  1. Germans have an anally-retentive approach to punctuality

  I’m quite a stickler for detail and hate to be kept waiting but the Germans take it to the extreme. Saying to someone, ‘I’ll be there at about three’ is as alien to most Germans as saying ‘Tell me a joke’, or ‘Prepare me a meal that looks appetising’. A meticulous analysis of travel times and weather conditions enables Germans to pinpoint arrangements to precise times of the day like 09.27 or 16.53. And when they say 16.53 they get very disappointed if you arrive at 16.54.

  2. Everyone loves techno music

  Many people confuse techno with synth-pop or trance. Many more confuse it with music. This however hasn’t dissuaded Germans however from adopting it and treating it with more fondness than even oompah bands. However if you’re not a fan, it’s hard to take a musical genre seriously when it relies on you popping pills or waving glow sticks to enhance your enjoyment. Techno lovers say there’s more to it than clichéd synth sounds played over a mind-numbing repetitive drum machine beat. They are lying.

  3. The choice of pornography

  As you know I’m all for free speech and freedom of choice but even I think that the Germans take things a little too far when it comes to deciding what’s acceptable in pornography. Seeing sex acts between consenting heterosexual adults is one thing but looking at the top shelf and seeing magazines called Donkey Liebe (‘Donkey Love’), Scheiße Aktion (‘Poo Poo Action’) or Zwei Hunde und Eine Große Frau (‘Two Dogs and a Large Woman’) make me feel a bit unwohl (queasy).

  4. The food

  Go into any restaurant and the waiter will say something like, ‘Would you like some hasenklopse sauerbraten with your flädleschweiger?’ How appetizing is that?

  5. Mixed messages

  It is truly puzzling to understand how a nation that introduced the philosophies of Nietzsche, Goethe and Kant to the world now holds David Hasselhoff in such high esteem.

  3 Useful Phrases to Use In Germany

  I didn’t realise that you found punctuality such a turn-on.

  Mir war nicht bewusst, dass Sie gefunden Pünktlichkeit wie ein Turn-on.

  Please stop the yodelling and slapping dances. I have a severe headache.

  Bitte beenden Sie das Jodeln und schlug Tänze. Ich habe eine starke Kopfschmerzen.

  If your nation prides itself in its efficiency, why does the Oktoberfest start in mid-September?

  Wenn Ihre Nation ist stolz auf seine Effizienz, warum das Oktoberfest beginnen Mitte September?

  Great Britons No. 4 Sir Winston Churchill

  A feature on Great Britons without mentioning Churchill would be like a feature on poor hygiene without including the French. I’m talking about Sir Winston Churchill here, not Churchill the dog from the insurance company, although saying that, he did give me a good price for comprehensive cover on my Ford Mondeo.

  Anyway, I digress. Let’s take a look at the life of this truly great leader. Okay, he might have a dodgy first name that’s usually more commonly heard being said with a strong Jamaican accent, but he’s one of the best blokes ever to have lived. The more I study him, the more I notice the amazing similarities between us. He loved a drink and a smoke, he didn’t care who he upset, he was very unpopular with the Conservatives and the Establishment – and he worked tirelessly to keep foreigners out of Britain, although in his case, it was one nationality in particular. Where we differ is that I haven’t ordered the indiscriminate bombing of a civilian population. Well, not yet but, as I say, never say never when it comes to politics.

  And if it wasn’t for his strong, charismatic leadership, his single-minded purpose and warmongering policies, thousands upon thousands of Germans would have crossed our borders – and most of them would have been unqualified (let’s face it, there’s no real skill involved in marching or rounding up prisoners and shooting them).

  And rememb
er, we were fighting the Germans not just to stop them invading our country, but to prevent their main objective – creating a united Europe; think of the Third Reich as a sort of forerunner of the Treaty of Rome.

  It was Churchill’s ‘never surrender’ attitude that galvanised the British people into action and gave them the wartime spirit that enabled them to see off the German threat. The consequences of Britain losing the war would have been catastrophic. By now we’d all be driving BMWs or Mercedes, using Braun shavers or electric toothbrushes, wearing Puma or Adidas trainers or Hugo Boss suits, taking Bayer pharmaceuticals and shopping in Aldi or Lidl. It hardly bears thinking about.

  So, in closing, Churchill saw Britain having much more in common with the countries in the British Empire and the United States than mainland Europe. He polarised people but even his critics had to agree that quite simply, in times of national emergency, when the country was looking for direction and the British way of life and when all the values we held dear were under threat, he was the right man at the right time.

  Do you believe in reincarnation?

  I’m just saying.

  Europe – 5 Misconceptions and 1 Truth

  Europhiles (a term that inspires the same level of abhorrence and loathing as the official term for kiddy fiddlers) always come up with the same tired old arguments as to why this particular continent leads the world in all sorts of things, from music and art to food and liberalism. In response I have two things to say to them: really? REALLY?

  The Lies

  Europe is responsible for some of the world’s most creative artists

  If I was writing this book in about 1865 that might have been true. In recent years however it’s a whole other matter with Europe’s contribution to world culture including The Smurfs, Asterix the Gaul and Topo Gigio. Music isn’t that much better. For every Johann Strauss, Mozart and Chopin there’s the Cheeky Girls, Whigfield and Aqua. And don’t get me going on the Vengaboys.

  Europeans are tolerant and fair-minded

  The official motto of the EU is ‘United in Diversity’. It’s a sentiment that should reflect a willingness, over thousands of years, for individual sovereign states to not just accept but to welcome and assimilate the cultures of all 50-odd countries in Europe. In reality, the continent is a hotbed of prejudice with a history of creating brutal tyrannical despots such as Vlad the Impaler, Torquemada, Mussolini, Hitler, General Franco, Slobodan Miloševi´c and Angela Merkel.

  Europeans are sexy

  There’s a common misconception that Europe is all about ‘ooh-la-la’ – conjuring up images of saucy French maids and smooth-chested Latino lovers whereas the reality of European ‘sexiness’ is obese, over-tanned businessmen wearing Speedos, and women with an aversion to shaving. And since when did pooing on someone become sexy, even in Germany? I must have missed that memo.

  European cuisine is among the finest in the world

  Supporters of continental cuisine point out just how creative and inventive European chefs have been over the centuries. This, of course, is correct. After all, who else would have had the imagination to think that cooking offal with two other types of offal was a good idea? Most exotic-sounding names on a foreign menu hide culinary abominations. For example, order nozki in Poland and you’ll be served a plate of jellied pig trotters; select kiaulės ausis in Lithuania and you’ll be able to tuck in to a selection of smoked pig’s ears; or go for the delicacy stracotto d’asino in northern Italy and you’ll end up with a bowl of donkey stew.

  Europe offers a healthier life

  According to a recent World Health Organisation study there are a number of small European countries that offer longer life expectancy than the UK and even the US. This might be statistically correct but I’ve included it as a lie as it’s a fatuous argument in support of Europe. Why would you want to prolong your existence in Andorra and Luxembourg any more than you’d need? Switzerland too offers a higher life expectancy, but it’s no coincidence that it also offers assisted suicide.

  …And the Truth

  Europe is a large melting pot of cultures

  I can’t disagree with this one, although I would point out that one consequence of a melting pot is that there will naturally be a scum on the surface. That’s the Bulgarians.

  Whatever Happened to Tunes You Could Whistle? My Guide to Music

  Have you listened to the radio lately?

  It’s been said that the charts contain more evil than an al-Qaeda suggestion box.

  In my day there were only a few different types of music. You either liked disco, soul, pop or rock. No one in their right mind liked country & western and even fewer liked jazz. Even Johnny hated it. Life was simpler then but now youth culture is so fragmented the whole music scene has gone bananas! In fact I think bananas might be an actual genre. Or it might be nu-bananas or bananas dubstep… Who knows? I read there are about 20 basic music genres and within these, 750 different sub-genres. That includes over 90 different types of hip hop and rap. Come on! How many different ways do you need to sing about the miserable reality of inner city life?

  Now I’m as broadminded as the next man about music and have quite eclectic tastes. Listen to my iPod and you’d see what I mean. Put it on Shuffle and in the space of just a few minutes you could very well be enjoying the mellow tones of The Carpenters and Kenny G. But hold on to your hats! Next thing you know you’re rocking out to Dire Straits, Genesis and REO Speedwagon!

  However, there are some musical styles I just can’t tolerate. Even the fact they exist at all offends me. I’ve listened to and have analysed the following genres so you don’t have to:

  Acid trance

  If Derren Brown could hypnotise music (and he probably could; I’ve seen him live and he’s really good), this is what you’d end up with: a series of electronic bleeps and tones that exist in a confused, puzzling trance-like state. A musical genre that’s very popular in Belgium… and that really says it all.

  Ambient music

  You know that any genre that emphasises tone and atmosphere over traditional musical structure or rhythm is going to be rubbish. Since when did samples of whale song mixed with random electronic sound effects become known as music? I must have missed that memo.

  Balearic beat

  A style of electronic dance music that became a sub-culture in the British rave scene. This genre also became known as ‘The sound of Ibiza’, although this is not to be confused with a different ‘sound of Ibiza’ – the guttural vomiting outside one of the island’s superclubs at 7am.

  Death metal

  Heavier than heavy metal and thrashier than thrash metal. Highly distorted guitars, abrupt tempo and key changes, grunting vocals and lyrics about satanism, vile hatred, massacres, being possessed, impaling, vivisection and torture. Not so much a style of music as your excuse to the court when you’re charged with necrophilia.

  Garage

  Some people confuse ‘garage’ with the genres ‘house’ or ‘dubstep’. Many more confuse it with the term ‘music’.

  Grunge

  A combination of stripped down arrangements, distorted guitars and tormented, angst-ridden lyrics. One of the genre’s biggest stars was Kurt Cobain of Nirvana who realised just how painfully depressing the music was and committed suicide.

  Industrial metal

  If I wanted to listen to the sounds of a hydraulic press, a jackhammer, or a milling machine I’d work in a foundry (well, I would if the Romanians hadn’t taken all the jobs).

  Nu metal

  This has been described as heavy metal meets hip hop and grunge. As appealing as Ebola meets typhoid and cholera.

  Rap

  Whereas hip hop was upbeat and happy, and told people to get up and dance and have a good time, rap music takes itself very seriously. It’s all about ‘telling it like it is’ and romanticising a depressive hardcore lifestyle. There are only 12 topics covered in rap songs: Glocks, Hoes, the Hood, Homies, Money, Cops, Sex, Drugs, Pimps, Prison, Bling a
nd Gangstas. Not necessarily in that order.

  Rap metal

  Not so much a style of music; just two words joined together. Don’t even bother.

  Reggae

  Reggae is the sound most associated with Jamaica, along with squad cars screeching to a halt and arresting another Yardie gang. Apart from their distinctive heavy backbeated rhythm, reggae songs can also be recognised by their lyrics which tend to be about three things: God (Jah), cannabis (ganja) and Babylon 5 (Babylon). Two of the most authentic exponents of reggae were UB40 and The Police.

  World music

  The term ‘music’ is used very lightly here. I mean, it’s hard to take any musical genre seriously when it involves the indigenous people of third world countries blowing nose flutes, banging pieces of pottery or playing a sort of xylophone made of hardened turtle penises. And who made oil drums a legitimate musical instrument? There are only two things you need to know about World Music. The first is that the Glitter Band and Adam Ant did primeval rhythms and multiple drums better, and the second is that when you’ve heard one song played on the pan pipes, you’ve heard them all. And don’t ever get me started on Mongolian Throat Singing…