The World According to Nigel Farage Page 14

  And apart from the money they save they don’t have all the other hassles that homeowners have to put up with. I’m talking about things like neighbours who play drum and bass, or have babies who scream every half-hour from midnight to five in the morning, having to repaint the window frames, having to clear the doormat from double glazing circulars and Christian Aid charity envelopes, plus having inconsiderate sods park right across your driveway. And best of all, absolutely no worries about being burgled.

  Lucky sods.

  British Enlightenment: Zen Sayings for Modern Life

  Zen wisdom is supposed to give us a special insight into compassion, love, peace, patience and humanity. If you ask me it’s all a load of ancient foreign claptrap and, to be honest, I’ve received the same so-called ‘enlightenment’ on a tiny piece of paper that’s come out of a Christmas cracker.

  If we’re going to learn anything from so-called Zen teachings then they have to be made relevant to life in modern Britain. As they say, ‘If a UKIP candidate says something racist or sexist in a forest and no one is around to hear him, does he make a sound?’

  Zen Sayings Reworked for UKIP Supporters

  The journey of a thousand miles begins with clinging to the chassis of a British lorry travelling from Dubrovnik.

  Watching Nick Clegg at the Lib. Dem. party conference: the sound of one hand clapping.

  Hide not your inner desires behind your outward expression. Easier said than done when you’re wearing a burqa.

  Patience and determination can conquer all things, except when it comes to having to ring the BT call centre in Mumbai.

  Always be gracious, helpful and courteous to strangers. As long as they meet a points-based visa system and time-limited work permits.

  Do not follow the ideas of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself. Just don’t tell anyone you can hear that voice.

  There is no such thing as a bad idea. Try telling that to Godfrey Bloom.

  The man who has everything needs just one thing: a sophisticated burglar alarm linked to his local police station.

  Music and rhythm nourish the secret places of the soul, unless you’re listening to rap or hip hop.

  If you want one year of prosperity grow grain. If you want ten years of prosperity grow trees. If you want a lifetime of prosperity get an EU farming subsidy.

  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and stop pestering me for a comment about one of our embarrassing candidates.

  There are many ways to effectively put your point of view to a Guardian journalist. None of them work.

  Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet. But speed up a bit when you’re near an inner-city estate.

  Those who can find curiosity and delight in everything they see have probably never read our manifesto.

  Where there are dangers you will find fortitude. Where there are friends you will find kindness. Where there are idiot candidates, you will find my personal poll ratings plummeting.

  Even bad books are books and therefore sacred. Except for politicians’ autobiographies.

  Time flows away like the water in a river, especially when you’re waiting for an NHS appointment.

  Better to light a candle than curse the bloody foreign workmen outside your house who cut through a power cable.

  If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, write for the Daily Telegraph.

  There are no facts, only interpretations. Which is why you should really believe our views on climate change.

  The journey is the reward. Unless the country’s open-door immigration policy gets you stuck on the M4.

  Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. The proof is watching Big Brother contestants.

  Party Fundraising It’s a Piece of Cake!

  When it comes to raising money for good causes you have to admire Macmillan. I’m talking about the charity, not the over-privileged post-war toff PM. Once upon a time cancer was a taboo subject. It was associated with heavy smokers, those who worked with asbestos or nuclear waste – or who lived near Hiroshima. We were all in denial about cancer; it was something just whispered about like male pattern baldness, erectile dysfunction or fancying Ed Miliband’s wife.

  Now we’re much more open about it, with celebrities like Lance Armstrong, Angelina Jolie, Kylie Minogue and even Olivia Newton-John talking about fighting the disease. But if there’s one thing more fashionable than having cancer, it’s raising money to fight it.

  I wanted to take a leaf out of Macmillan’s book and, after discounting going on a fun run wearing a pink tutu, I decided UKIP should hold its own World’s Biggest Coffee Morning. The challenge was making it different from the Macmillan fundraiser.

  That’s when I had my brainwave.

  We’d ditch the cupcakes (or as they were known in my day before the politically correct brigade stuck their noses in, fairy cakes) and instead bake and sell a cake that the public firmly associated with UKIP.

  The recipe’s overleaf so get baking!

  THE UKIP FRUIT CAKE

  INGREDIENTS

  As you know I’m not that good with detail,

  so let’s just say you need some dried

  fruit, flour, eggs, sugar and treacle. Oh

  yes, don’t forget the brandy or sherry,

  lemon juice, ground almonds, cherries

  and probably baking powder if I’m not

  mistaken. Did I mention brandy or sherry?

  I might have. Anyway, there might be

  some more stuff. I’m not really sure.

  METHOD

  All I know is that you mix stuff up, add things and put the mixture in an oven. If you want my advice ask a woman to do it. She’ll know about baking cakes (they always do).

  UKIP Fairy Tales No. 3 The Three Little Pigs

  … The next day, the Big Bad Wolf was walking along the road. He came to the house of straw that the first little pig had built. The wolf knocked on the door and said, ‘Little pig, little pig. Let me come in!’

  But there was no answer.

  He knocked again, and this time shouted, ‘Little pig, little pig. Let me come in!’

  Still there was no answer.

  ‘Mmmmm. That’s odd,’ he thought. Then he saw a fox coming towards him.

  ‘Excuse me, Mister Fox,’ the Big Bad Wolf said, ‘But I was wondering where the little pig who lives here is. I want to huff and puff and blow his house down.’

  ‘He’s not here anymore,’ said the fox. ‘His company couldn’t compete with cheap migrant labour from Eastern Europe and he lost his business. The bank took his home.’

  ‘Oh,’ said the Big Bad Wolf. ‘In that case I’ll visit the little pig with the straw house.’

  ‘He’s not there either,’ explained the Fox. ‘He was meant to have an operation but he was turned away twice because the hospital didn’t have a bed. His health worsened and he died last week.’

  ‘Oh,’ said the Big Bad Wolf again. ‘Then tell me, Mister Fox,’ he said, ‘What about the little pig with the house made of bricks. He’s all right, isn’t he?’

  ‘Sadly, Big Bad Wolf, he is not,’ the fox explained. ‘He served in the military with distinction but had mental health problems when he returned to civilian life and slipped through the net of social services. He was seen last week sleeping rough.’

  The Big Bad Wolf scratched his chinny-chin-chin.

  ‘Wow,’ he thought to himself. ‘David Cameron and Nick Clegg have really made the country go to shit.’

  The End.

  My Views On… Vegetarians and Vegans

  I’m all for trying to educate our children to take care of their bodies and the importance of a healthy diet, but what kind of role models are we giving them if we tell them that eating meat is bad? Some of the world’s most evil tyrants (not my words) were ve
getarians. Most people know that in adult life Hitler refused to eat meat – so too did Genghis Khan – and he was said to have killed 1,748,000 people in a single hour.

  Also, vegans aren’t as peaceful as they’d like you to think. The murderous Pol Pot, leader of Cambodia’s notorious Khmer Rouge was a vegan, as was animal rights activist and mass murderer Charles Manson. And aren’t we meant to take guidance from the Bible? Remember Cain and Abel? They both brought offerings to God, who, the Bible says, had respect for Abel’s carnivorous offering, but no respect for Cain’s ‘fruits of the ground’. Oh yes, and it was the vegetarian Cain who killed his brother.

  The other argument put forward for a vegetarian diet is that it makes you smarter. Really? Well Albert Einstein became a vegetarian for the last year of his life and guess what? He didn’t make any new discoveries – and he died! And don’t get me bloody going on tofu or soya!

  Beethoven: Why He’s No Match for Phil Collins

  Ludwig van Beethoven is often celebrated as one of the most famous and influential of all composers, but as a bit of a music expert who’s studied the man and his music at length, I can categorically say that one of Europe’s so-called best doesn’t hold a light to the man who many say is his modern-day counterpart: Phil Collins.

  20 Reasons Why Phil Collins Is So Much Better Than Beethoven

  Beethoven only wrote nine symphonies. Phil Collins recorded 45 singles.

  Beethoven never wrote lyrics as insightful as ‘I feel so good if I just say the word Sussudio, just say the word, Oh Sussudio.’

  Beethoven never won four Brit awards (not even in the International Male Solo Artist category).

  Beethoven played the piano. Phil Collins plays the piano and drums.

  Beethoven has been described as a crucial figure in the transition between the Classical and Romantic eras in Western music. Phil Collins has been described as a crucial figure in the transition between the Peter Gabriel era of Genesis and the band’s more pop-oriented and commercially successful period.

  Beethoven often played piano in the salons of the Vienna nobility. Phil Collins played at Live Aid. Twice.

  Beethoven never starred in the flop film Buster.

  The most maverick thing Beethoven did was compose a piece of music in the unusual key of C minor. In an episode of Miami Vice, Phil Collins played a shady drug dealing con man.

  Beethoven never appeared on Top of the Pops alongside such greats as Bananarama, Toyah and Bucks Fizz.

  Beethoven’s dishevelled appearance once led him to be mistaken for a tramp. Phil Collins earned millions for writing a song about the homeless, ‘Another Day in Paradise’.

  None of Beethoven’s compositions was played by a gorilla in a TV commercial to promote a chocolate bar.

  Phil Collins inspired far more vitriolic hatred among critics than Beethoven.

  Beethoven was completely unimaginative when it came to naming his compositions, e.g. ‘Symphony No.1’, ‘Symphony No.2’, etc. But Phil Collins was much more creative with album titles like Face Value and No Jacket Required.

  When Beethoven was 43 he was depressed and unproductive. When Phil Collins was 43 he embarked on his hugely successful 169-date Both Sides of the World Tour.

  Proving the correlation between money and artistry, Beethoven was in financial trouble most of his life; yet Phil Collins is estimated to have a personal fortune of £115 million.

  Beethoven never knocked Dead or Alive off the Number One spot.

  Beethoven never married. Phil Collins has been divorced three times.

  Phil Collins wasn’t completely deaf.*

  Phil is a far cooler name than Ludwig.

  Beethoven was German. Phil Collins is British.

  *Although it’s been cruelly said that many of his concertgoers probably wish that they were.

  5 Things That Really Wind Me Up About Spain

  Look beyond a sovereign state set to follow Greece and Cyprus in an inevitable slide into a calamitous fiscal abyss, and you’ll see a nation rich in history and tradition but with a fresh, modern outlook on life. A country with a kaleidoscope of landscapes, from beaches to sunburnt plains and mountain peaks. A country that combines technology and a very modern infrastructure with the highest levels of disorganisation, lethargy, incompetence and a questionable understanding of the word ‘productivity’.

  Yes, Spain is truly a land of contrasts; it’s where an industrialised nation meets a banana republic.

  1. The Spanish are so noisy

  Most Spaniards confuse talking with shouting, a situation exacerbated by the fact that they are incapable of having a conversation unless they are standing at least six feet apart, or more usually, on opposite sides of the road. At times this can give the impression that they are being aggressive. In many cases they’re not; that couple who look like they’re having a blazing stand-up row in the street are probably just discussing the weather.

  2. Levels of bureaucracy that would astound even Kafka

  If you’re in Spain, pray to God that you never, ever have to deal with any government office. If you even manage to find one, government offices in Spain only open at certain times on certain days of the week and by the time you’ve reached the front of the serpentine queue it’s highly likely that local regulations would have changed, so you’ll have to go back and complete a whole different set of forms and paperwork. It’s surprising Escher was Dutch and not Spanish, since dealing with officialdom here is like trying to walk up one of his staircases.

  3. A total disregard of the meaning ‘open’ in the term ‘Opening times’

  Most Spanish shops, offices and businesses close between 2pm and 5pm (6pm in some areas) so that their employees can take an afternoon nap in the heat. In theory this is commendable but it was a tradition practised well before the concept of ‘air conditioning’. Furthermore it’s a practice that only takes place in Spain and Hispanic countries; far hotter countries seem to manage quite well without it. The Spanish call this a ‘siesta’. I call it laziness. (See point 4)

  4. The concept of mañana

  Frustratingly for visitors, there’s no precise definition of mañana; all it means is some indefinite time in the future. It might mean later that day, tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening, next Thursday, in a month’s time, next year – or in many cases, never. This languid approach to life can have very different consequences. In some cases it will just be annoying (e.g. if your hotel shower needs fixing) while in other instances it could be life threatening (e.g. if you’re waiting for an ambulance).

  5. The esteem in which they hold their so-called ‘artists’

  Spain’s three most famous artists were Miró, Picasso and Dalí. Now I’m as broadminded as the next man when it comes to art but quite frankly, this is definitely a case of the Emperor’s new clothes. Let’s look at the evidence. I can forgive Miró for having a girl’s name (Joan), but all he drew were geometric squiggles that he coloured in. For some reason Picasso believed that women had both eyes on the side of their head while Dalí thought that putting a lobster on top of a telephone was clever. Innovative, ground-breaking creative geniuses or contenders for Care in the Community support? The jury is out.

  3 Useful Phrases to Use in Spain

  Didn’t I see you on Crimewatch? The one where they recreated the 1983 Brink’s-MAT robbery?

  ¿No te veo en Alerta criminal? En el que recrearon el 1983 Brink’s-MAT robo?

  You may call it a traditional Andalusian gypsy dance, but to me it’s just an excuse to look surly and shuffle around, banging your feet on the floor.

  Puedes llamarlo una danza gitana andaluza tradicional, pero para mí es sólo una excusa para mirar hosco y barajar, golpeando los pies en el suelo.

  I’m sorry to hear that your pool cleaning/gardening/ hairdressing business failed, but please stop bothering me with your tale of shattered dreams.

  Lamento escuchar que su limpieza de la piscina/jardinería /negocio de peluquería fallaron pero por favor dejen de mo
lestarme con su historia de sueños rotos.

  Freedom of Choice #3 Third-World Child Labour

  When it comes down to it, ‘sweatshop’ is just a word bandied around by people who don’t understand the principles of a free-market economy. And as for the word ‘exploits’, well you can just as easily replace this with the phrase ‘provides employment for’.

  With my background as a City trader and as someone well-versed in the cut-and-thrust of modern business, I’m rather taken aback by the criticism of retailers like Primark. If there was no demand for cheap clothing manufactured in cramped, noisy, dangerous factories then these shops wouldn’t thrive. The fact they’re really successful just proves that capitalism, the bedrock of the British eco-political system, is alive and well (unlike some of the garment workers).

  Arguments In Support of Third-World Garment Factories

  They give human rights lawyers and civil rights campaigners something to do.

  It’s quite glamorous telling your friends that you work in the fashion industry.

  They give children a chance to experience the work environment, preparing them for adult life (albeit an adult life in exactly the same environment).

  They help workers understand the Western notion of irony (i.e. the jogging crop tops they’re sewing in unsafe, oppressive conditions actually represent vitality and health).