The World According to Nigel Farage Page 10
B. Ferrari Berlinetta Smashes Nürburgring Speed Record!
C. Versace Unveils New Sandal Collection!
5 What oil do you usually smell of?
A. Do you want me to punch you?
B. Castrol GTX
C. Patchouli or sandalwood
6 What’s your drink of choice?
A. Beer or lager
B. Any spirit
C. Anything that’s served with either a miniature umbrella or a sparkler
7 Which of these women would you most like to take to dinner?
A. Shakira
B. Tulisa
C. Bette Midler
8 Have you ever had your eyebrows shaped?
A. You really want me to punch you, don’t you?
B. Yes. But accidentally after I got glassed in a pub fight
C. Of course. I’m not a savage
9 My favourite TV show is
A. Anything with Bear Grylls
B. The Simpsons
C. Anything with the word ‘Dancing’ in its title
10 My favourite karaoke song is
A. ‘Eye of the Tiger’
B. ‘My Way’
C. ‘It’s Raining Men’
11 How much do you know about Cher?
A. One or two things
B. A few facts
C. Where do I start?!
12 What’s your favourite weather phenomenon?
A. Dramatic twister
B. Thunder and lightning
C. Big white fluffy clouds
13 What greeting do you use with your mates?
A. ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’
B. Nod, grunt and a fist-bump
C. ‘You look FAB-ulous!’
14 How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A. 2
B. 4
C. 2 pairs each season
15 How would you most like to spend a Saturday afternoon if there was no sport on TV?
A. Chopping wood
B. Tinkering with my car
C. Shopping
RESULTS: WHAT TYPE OF ALAN ARE YOU?
Mainly A’s: Alan Shearer
Whorrrrrrr! You’re obviously a real man brimming with testosterone. You’re someone who’s able to keep his head above the tide of political correctness and male moisturiser. I welcome you and your sensibilities to the party with open arms (but in a very manly way).
Mainly B’s: Alan Rickman
Wh-hey! A man’s man and a regular bloke who takes no prisoners (except that, when Alan Rickman played Hans Gruber in Die Hard, he did take prisoners. I knew that).
Mainly C’s: Alan Carr
Hmmmm. To be honest I’m not sure if you’re the sort of type we really want to be associated with UKIP. The fight for UK sovereignty might not be your particular bent. Have you thought about a career as an interior designer, a hair stylist or a theatrical dresser?
How Can Good Manners Be So Foreign?
‘An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.’
– GEORGE MIKES
Author Georges Duhamel stated, ‘Courtesy is not dead. It has merely taken refuge in Great Britain.’ He was French, so it was easy for him to recognise the appalling manners demonstrated by his fellow countrymen – and which sadly seem to be endemic among all foreigners.
Good manners are not just a sign of good breeding; they indicate respect and consideration for others, something that’s deeply ingrained in Britain’s DNA.
Unfortunately, other nations do not seem to hold good manners in the same high esteem as we do and it’s quite common, when you’re abroad, to find yourself dealing with locals who exude a combination of surliness and thinly veiled hostility.
In many cases it’s difficult to tell if the person you’re talking to is being exceptionally ill-mannered and rude – or is just being himself. Often there is no difference.
Closer co-operation with the EU won’t just erode our state sovereignty and leave us open to an even greater influx of unwanted and unqualified spongers. It’ll also bring us closer to European standards of behaviour and conduct…
Queuing
The concept of the queue is as alien to some foreigners as the concept of an honest day’s work or having a sensible amount of body hair. It can drive someone from a civilised country like ours into blood-boiling fits of apoplexy. Have these savages somehow missed out on that basic childhood lesson of not cutting into line? Now you might expect people from the third world to ignore queuing protocols; when foreign aid workers drop off bags of rice or grain it’s understandable that it’s every man for himself in order to survive, but when you have to run the gauntlet just trying to buy toothpaste at a Naples convenience store it’s totally unacceptable.
Surly Waiters
Bad manners among serving staff comes down to the fact that unlike Britain, most foreign waiters consider that their job is actually a profession. It’s not. A profession involves years of intense training, continuous personal development and recognised qualifications. It does not involve a pad and pencil and the ability to push open a swing door without hitting someone the other side. The other problem is that as soon as foreign waiters see their job as a profession they decide that it’s a profession that’s beneath them. That’s why every dish is served with a generous helping of arrogance and self-importance with a side helping of apathy.
Disinterested Sales Assistants
If England is a nation of shopkeepers, as Napoleon claimed, then France (along with all its European neighbours) is a nation of shopkeepers who have no concept of ‘service with a smile’. This is because there is absolutely no comprehension of the word ‘service’, or the word ‘smile.’ To understand why, you need to appreciate that foreign shops operate with a different dynamic to what we’re used to. In Britain the customer has money and the shop wants money – and will usually be very obliging in order to get that money.
Abroad the mentality is as follows: the customer has money, the shop has something the customer wants and therefore has the power – and they’ll make damn sure you know. And although the concept of service with a smile may not exist abroad, there is one notion that definitely does: ‘The customer is always wrong.’
Unhelpful Taxi Drivers
Give me a black cab driver anytime. By that I mean a driver of a black cab, not… actually it doesn’t matter. Not only do they have an unbeatable knowledge of London but they’re also intelligent and articulate on subjects like immigration, foreign workers, the UK economy and the draconian powers of the EU. It’s actually amazing how much they have in common with UKIP policies. Anyway, I digress. Hail a cab anywhere else in the world and you’ll find yourself being driven by a foreigner. That’s not really surprising is it? But what I mean is that the foreigner won’t be indigenous to the country you’re visiting and will most probably be from Lagos or Marrakesh. That means he will have absolutely no idea of the local landmarks. Tivoli Gardens? Where? The Berlin Wall Museum? Never heard of it! The Vatican? Piss off, you’re making that up! Not only that but their cabs will stink of goat curry (or similar) and they’ll have world music blaring from their CD player so they can’t hear you saying things like, ‘That’s the second time you’ve driven past the airport’, or ‘Why are we now in open countryside?’
With driving skills learned from watching the Fast and the Furious franchise and a blatant disregard of any navigational suggestions you offer, when you hail a foreign cab you end up taking two things: the longest route possible and your life in your hands.
A Complete Lack of Gratitude
One of the first phrases foreign language guides teach you to say is ‘thank you’. Ironically these are the two words you’re least likely to hear on your travels. Most foreigners seem to view uttering these words as a sign of huge weakness and will instead either refuse to say them, or begrudgingly replace them with a slight nod that’s as imperceptible as their grasp of the fact that coming over here and cleaning car windscreens at traffic lights is not a real j
ob.
UKIP and the Media
It’s important to be aware that, just as in Iraq journalists and reporters were embedded in Fallujah, the British media is embedded in the establishment. This means they’ll use every devious trick in the book to trip us up and make us look like intolerant, blinkered bigots. Sometimes, however, they don’t actually have to try too hard.
Sadly, many UKIP candidates or supporters have a knack for inserting their feet when they open their mouths. Some of my colleagues’ recent blunders have included claiming that gay marriage was responsible for flooding (look, I’m no Michael Fish so it would be wrong for me to comment on that one), mistaking Westminster Cathedral for a mosque (easily done in my view), or referring to women as sluts (a remark, for the record, that was taken completely out of context). Even I was unfairly taken to task when I missed an important party event in Wales last December and blamed motorway congestion on the Coalition’s open door immigration policy. I still stand by that remark and contest it was not a so-called gaffe. I got stuck behind a rusty R-reg Transit hogging the middle lane at 60 mph and it looked like it had a load of Polish plumbers in the back.
However, in order to convey our policies and views effectively and not come across as a bunch of fruitcakes it’s vital that we watch our Ps and Qs when speaking in public (and by Ps and Qs I mean prejudices and quotas).
So, to help my colleagues become more media friendly, I’ve put together this handy guide.
Media FAQs
I have some very extreme views about race, gender and religion. Is that a bad thing?
Not necessarily, but for now keep these thoughts in your head. Don’t write them down anywhere or say them out loud.
They’ll be plenty of time for that when we get elected.
So I can’t say anything about using a giant catapult to send people back to Bongo Bongo land?
Er, no.
What about re-mastering the TV series Love Thy Neighbour and issuing it free on BluRay?
Haven’t you listened to anything I’ve said?
What exactly can I say then?
Only things that are part of our published manifesto – as long as you convey these policies in exactly the same way as I’ve presented them.
What about if I want to use the manifesto as a sort of guide, but elaborate on it with my own ideas?
No.
Okay. How about paraphrasing it… adding a few extra bits here and there?
Look. For the last time, no! The language used has been carefully chosen to convey our thinking in a considered, intelligent way. One that shows we are a political force to be reckoned with and not a bunch of racist scaremongers with absolutely no idea how to run the economy.
All right. I think I’ve got it. Basically you’re saying stick to the script.
Exactly!
Great. I’m off now. I’m being interviewed by the local paper about my idea to forcibly replace burqas with bikinis.
I give up.
The UKIP Guide to Acceptable Language
Language is constantly changing. It evolves and adapts to the needs of its users to accommodate new technologies, new experiences and new sensibilities. That’s why there’s been a need for new words like Walkman, laptop or blog – and why we now have to say feminist instead of lezzer.
If you’re ever talking on behalf of UKIP it’s vital to be aware of this ever-changing vocabulary.
THE WORD YOU REALLY WANT TO USE THE WORD YOU HAVE TO USE
Tramp Homeless person
Illegal immigrants Immigrants
Parasitic underclass Benefit claimants
Lazy arse Motivationally dispossessed
Freeloading refugees Displaced persons
Dolly bird PA or Secretary
Foreign muck Ethnic cuisine
Sponger’s fund Social Security
Batshit crazy Mentally ill
Stupid Intellectually challenged
Pikey Traveller
Dole-office scroungers Unemployed or Unwaged
Thick Dyslexic
Cripples Differently-abled/Physically challenged
Fairy / Poof Homosexual
Bongo Bongo land Africa
Third-world shithole Developing country
Poor Economically marginalised
Fucking yuppies Chattering classes
Blood suckers Romanians
Shitty dump Challenging neighbourhood
Shitty inner-city council estate Community
Riff-raff Working class
Four-eyed, two-faced lying bastard Jean-Claude Juncker
The Metric System: Satan’s Measurements
If the EU had its way (or weigh… see what I did there), everything in Great Britain would be measured using the metric system. You’d be saying farewell to feet, goodbye to gallons, so long to stones and bye-bye to bushels. (Okay, I know we don’t use bushels much these days, but I was struggling to find any alliteration for inches, ounces or pounds).
Losing imperial measurements would change our way of life overnight. Say you were on the phone chatting up a girl and you asked about her vital statistics. Suppose she said ‘91-61-86’, how would you know what to say to her? ‘Whorrrrrr!’ or ‘Don’t go to the beach love, or Greenpeace will drag you back in the water.’ This is just one example of how it would destroy our culture and heritage.
But apart from trying to foist something on us we neither want nor need, the whole metric system doesn’t actually make any sense scientifically. Its supporters claim that the main benefit is that all the conversions are in tens, e.g. there’s 100 centimetres in a metre, and 1,000 grams in a kilogram etc. – and that this makes it an easier counting system. Sure it is… an easier system for those with simple minds (i.e. everyone in Europe). British brains have coped quite well with imperial measurements for literally hundreds of years. How hard is it to remember that an acre is four roods, 22 links make a chain, and 10 chains make a furlong?
The truth is that the metric system has absolutely no relevance to the real world. The inch is the width of a thumb so you’ve got something you can look at and understand right away. On the other hand one metre is equal to the distance that light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, while 1°C is equal to the fraction of 1/273.16 ‘of the thermodynamic temperature of the triple point of water.’
They’re making it up as they go along!
The BOB System of Measurement
You’re probably well aware that UKIP pledges to safeguard imperial weights and measurements but we’re considering an alternative system too. It’s a new measuring system that anyone can relate to, but which also has the added advantage of reminding foreigners of some of the symbols of our great nation. I’m going to call this the Best of Britain system (BOB) and the basics are as follows:
Length: measured in units of London Buses (LB), i.e. 36 feet 10 inches
Height: measured in units of Nelson’s Column (NC), i.e. 170 feet
Area: measured in units of Football pitches (FP), i.e. 1.76 acres
Weight: measured in units of Victoria Beckham (VB), e.g. 110 lbs
Volume: measured in units of London Telephone Boxes (LTB), i.e. 24 sq ft
Speed: measured in units of Black Cabs (BC), i.e. 84 mph*
Examples:
Under the proposed BOB system, say you wanted to express the weight of Angela Merkel, you’d say she was 1.90 Victoria Beckhams. Similarly, Jean-Claude Juncker’s height would be 0.0293 of a Nelson’s Column.
Simple.
Don’t Let the EU Metricate the Film Industry!
Let the EU decide what units of measurement we use in the UK, and it won’t be long before they make it mandatory for metric units to be used in every single walk of life. Take the film industry for example. You’ll be on Netflix looking for the Tom Hanks classic The Green Mile and you’ll see it renamed as ‘The Green 1.609kms’. Similarly, you won’t be able to watch Kevin Bacon in Footloose. He’ll now be dancing his way through ‘0.3048m Loose’. And that’
s just the start…
Original title What the EU will rename it as
My Left Foot My Left 30.48cms
Fahrenheit 451 Celcius 232.778
Attack of the 50 foot Woman Attack of the 15.24m Woman
8 Mile 12.875 Kilometres
The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms The Beast From 36.576 Kilometres
Romancing the Stone Romancing the 6.35 kg
Inch High Private Eye 2.54cms Private Eye
Happy Feet Happy Metres
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Texas 20.1168m Saw Massacre
*top speed
Why French Fags Bring Smoking into Disrepute
I love smoking. I love the taste and smell of tobacco. I love the fact that it’s still considered an act of rebellion and defiance. I love the fact that it makes me look glamorous, sultry and sexy. But there’s one thing I hate about smoking (apart from the fact that Government interference means that tax accounts for over 70 per cent of the price of a packet) and that’s French cigarettes.
Smoking should be pleasurable. It shouldn’t leave you with the impression that you’ve just spent time in a blazing tyre factory, or standing near one of those lorries that lays fresh tar on the roads. But that’s exactly what it feels like smoking French fags or being near someone who is – a combination of a sharp, harsh flavour and nauseating acrid smoke that’s been compared to burning flesh.